A few years ago, Coors Light ran an ad campaign which featured a number of retired pro athletes. Some were obvious--John Elway, for example. Others, like Kareem Abdul Jabbar, weren't. I'm not one to judge a person's personal application of religious beliefs (or maybe I do...I did write a column--posing as my alter ego, Tyler Jane Barley--where I talked about this...http://www.aidabet.com/SUIT/1997/Barley0112.html), but it does seem strange to see a Muslim endorsing an alcoholic beverage. Particularly one as wretched as Coors Light, but I guess that last bit is just the beer geek in me.

This evening, while watching the ritual pummeling of the Houston Texans by the Kansas City Chiefs, I saw a Miller Lite ad featuring Flavor Flav (who may or may not still be a member of Public Enemy). I realize that William Drayton (his given name) has found a raised profile these days due to his (possibly staged, and certainly alcohol-fueled) romance with Brigitte Nielsen on "The Surreal Life." I never saw any of the shows, mind you (I watch all of my network TV on DVD these days...it's so much more civilized), but I read accounts in the papers.

Public Enemy, at one time, claimed to be something of a Black Muslim mouthpiece. It's hard to say if any members of the group other than Professor Griff were actually Muslim. Terminator X (the DJ) owns an ostrich farm just down the road outside of Chapel Hill, but he was unavailable for comment (unlisted phone numbers suck). Still, the band liked to reference Louis Farrakhan and did record the song "One Million Bottlebags," an ode to the nastiness that is 40 ounces of cheap malt beverage.

Still, Flav did get to put on a new timepiece (a shiny silver alarm clock, complete with two bells and a hammer between them), and, of course, he got to reprise his well-known "Yeah, boy!" when the judge ruled in his favor (these new Miller ads feature a courtroom theme). I'm partial to "Yeah, boy!", mostly because I've taught my son Max to say it at appropriate times. Still, the idea of a former (and maybe current) Muslim mouthpiece--who railed at beer and liquor companies even when he was in the throes of drug addiction--endorsing Miller Lite leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Even if the reason he did it was to promote the now Public Enemy album (assuming he's still in the group).

Which brings me to the most astounding and exceptional advance in the beer marketing wars to date: Anheuser-Busch's use of actual female frontal nudity. This landmark ad brazenly brings naked breasts to the American public in the interest of selling Bud Light. I could complain, but then, I'm a guy. Why would I complain?

The ad, of course, features the completion of the Venus de Milo. In her original incarnation, she apparently was holding a Bud Light in each hand (so as to increase her beauty). Two apprentices of the sculptor rip off one arm each, so as to help themselves to the Bud Light. The Venus de Milo is unveiled in her now-renowned armless state.

Historical anomalies aside (I'm pretty sure the Visigoths hadn't discovered bottom-fermenting yeast at that point, thus removing the chance that any lager, much less Bud Light in particular, would be available at the time), the most interesting thing to me about the ad is the way the camera leers at the sculpture. It even uses a couple of angles that truly accentuate the nipplage inherent in the Venus.

Like I said, I'm not outraged. I'm no prude, and anyway, I learned back in Cub Scouts that sculptures of naked people were celebrations of the human form and not masturbation material for rich people. I'm impressed that A-B figured out a way to use actual female nudity to sell beer. After years of tight t-shirts (and the occasional wet t-shirt), they've finally lost the shirt altogether. Bully for them.

As for Flav? Come on, man. Now you're watching Channel Zero.

Jon Worley apologizes for the number of parentheses in this column.