Pitch in
by Tyler Jane Barley

Twenty years ago, George Carlin recorded a routine that satirized the silly trend of famous people selling products that had no connection to the celebrity in question. "Buy this; I'm a famous person" the routine goes.

And then when Fuji waved a significant load of cash in Carlin's face, he pitched videotape, cannibalizing another of his routines, saying "Put the good stuff on the good stuff."

I recall the handwringing when Lou Reed pitched Honda scooters, with the strains of "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" in the background. "This is the guy who recorded Metal Machine Music as a response to his popular success!" they wailed. I told them they had no idea how expensive it was to live in New York, especially as a celebrity.

But perhaps the strangest pitch of all is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar throwing down on the mountain hoop court of Coors Light. What's next, Louis Farrakhan sharing a Colt 45 with Billy Dee Williams?

I've seen interviews with Kareem, and he's always truck me as a thoughtful and intelligent person. He certainly made a load of money in his 20 years of pro ball, and I assume he put enough away to keep him going for the rest of his life. So why is one of the most famous Muslims in the U.S. pitching beer?

An answer escapes me. Yeah, so Kareem isn't actually imbibing. I remember the furor on the Penn and Teller Usenet group when Penn (a notorious teetotaler) said the words "This pro beach volleyball match is brought to you by Budweiser, King of Beers." Well, it might not have been volleyball, but Penn was working as an announcer for something, and he mentioned Budweiser. His point was that he was only doing his job. He wasn't paid by Budweiser, and he didn't tell people to drink Budweiser. He only read a standard sponsor gig.

So Penn was in the clear, in the opinion of the majority of the newsgroup. But I can't see any reason why a devout Muslim would pitch beer, other than the cold cash principle.

Now, I'm not Kareem, and I wouldn't dream of second-guessing his motives. I've never had the desire to drink Coors Light, and Kareem's presence on short-short mountain won't sway me in any way. I don't consider drinking to be a sin, so I'm really not in a position to judge. But it certainly does seem to be an unusual move for both Coors and Kareem.

I mean, next thing you know Susan Sarandon will be doing Hooters ads. Arnold Schwartzenegger will be the Nation's poster boy. Newt Gingrich will pitch the Upton Sinclair hardback library. Steve Young will shill for Advil. Oh, yeah...

Of course, I dream of sudden fame and the opportunity to shill for Charter drug rehab centers or the Operation Rescue defense fund. As long as the money's right.

Tyler Jane Barley has resolved to do something truly newsworthy in 1997. Right now the leading courses of action are getting busted on public lewdness charges after a night with Nick Cage or merely staging a massive auction and getting millions for one of her many unsold screenplays.

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