Hello, folks. I'm Robert Redford.

They say there aren't many liberals in Utah, but I can tell you there are plenty. Those polygamists may talk a conservative line, but they sponge up the welfare like nobody's business. And I'll tell you--in my world, multiple sexual partners makes you a libertine. There's lots of us out in Utah.

[stares a bit incoherently at the audience]

My doctors say I've got to take my medicine.

[unscrews a flask and takes a swig; stands flask up on the podium].

When you're my age, it's important to take your medicine. Clint took his medicine backstage when he was down in Tampa, but I think we need to be straight with Americans. And by God, we should take our medicine like Americans.

[points to a suit hanging on a rack next to the podium]

Willard couldn't be here tonight, but I figured any old empty suit would do just fine. Let me know if that's a problem.

Willard, do you even care that your companies fired tens of thousands of workers? Bain Capital is personally responsible for the last three recessions. Doesn't that make you feel just a little bit bad? Hey, man, do you have a pulse?

Oh, right. You're an empty suit. You don't feel. You don't care. You are the Man. And the Man must be taken down.

You and I have a few things in common. We both like Utah. We've got lots of kids. We've got good hair. That's all well and good. But let me ask you something: What does it all mean?

What good is it to have good hair if the products you use to make it good are causing global warming? What good is it to have lots of kids if humans are on the verge of a lemming-like collapse? Utah is great, but what if everyone decided to live here?

Life's weird, my friend, and you're weirder. You seem to believe that anyone who works hard can end up like you. But it's just not true. Every person worth a quarter of a billion dollars did it on the backs of a few million people. You're riding the backs of average Americans, man. You're Yertle the Turtle. And what happened to Yertle? Same thing that happened to Gandalf. He fell.

So are you Gandalf, are you Yertle or are you just an empty suit?

[pulls a joint out of his pocket, smooths it out, lights it and takes a good toke]

My doctors have me on a mixed regimen.

[takes another long toke]

Goddamn, that's good medicine. This stuff is the best when the joints start to go.

[clips joint and puts it on the edge of the podium]

But Willard, really, are you anything other than an empty suit?

[stands still; well, weaves a bit, but still holds it together pretty well for a 76-year-old down a few drinks and tokes]

Are you, man?

C'mon Willard, show us what you got.

[waits for a response]

It's just a suit, folks. That's all. It's an expensive suit, but it's still much cheaper than a Romney presidency would be. If you want an America coated in smokestacks and run by guys who wear white shirts and Gucci loafers, then vote for the suit. I've got a better idea, though.

[unscrews flask and pours it over the suit; picks up the joint, takes a few puffs and gets the end good and roasty and then lights the suit on fire]

Burn, baby, burn. Screw the Man. Don't vote for Yertle. Vote for Obama.

Peace out.

  Jon Worley is always down for burning suits.