by Jon Worley
"Now, sex... sex, sex, sex. Where were we?"
"When you hear somebody say, 'This is not about sex,' it's about sex."
"I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."
There's been a lot of talk about sex lately, and it's just so boring. Sure, Newt Gingrich started talking about a three-way during one of the debates, but that was just some extended poli-sci soliloquy that ended up with one-too-many mentions of "on the other hand."
No, all we're talking about is contraception, which is about the most boring subject that is still related to sex.
There's been so much talk about contraception that I expected to see someone mash up a video with Jim Mora exclaiming "Contraception? Don't talk about contraception! You kidding me? Contraception?"
I don't think I have to tell you this, but sex is fun. The Beatles had a song called "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" (which is, of course, a very fair question). Robert Plant wailed about getting his lemon squeezed. Other bands have been more prosaic. Great White had a pleasant little ditty called "On Your Knees." W.A.S.P. (which might--or might not--stand for We Are Sexual Perverts) had a song titled "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)."
The devil's music is hardly the only art form that celebrates sex. Greek comedies plumbed every orifice (sexual and otherwise) for laughs and drama. Most of the great poems have something to do with sex, even if metaphors can get a bit tangental. And books? Books are positively filthy!
People like sex. Period. And people use contraception. Period. Sure, some folks want to have kids and so they don't use contraception, but that's their kink. Those of us who go for whips, chains, showers, thunderstorms, pole dances, toys (vibrating and not), feathers, role-play and doing it in the road have our own special ways of getting off. And that's cool.
I think there ought to be a few rules about sex. Don't do it in front of kids (though the time-honored tradition of kids walking in on mom and dad simply cannot be avoided and is in no way a violation of this rule). Don't have sex with kids. Don't have sex with any unwilling participant. And that's about it. What you do in your own house (or whatever) is your business, and the government doesn't need to worry about it.
These folks who are all wound up about contraception, however? That's a serious kink. Wanting to control someone else's sex life is not just unamerican. It's inhuman.
I know, lots of people out there would have more sex if they could. Not everyone is blessed with a sexual partner who is willing and able to enjoy sex. That blows. But life can be like that sometimes. And it's simply not fair for those who aren't getting enough to start coming after those of us who are.
Rick Santorum needs to get laid. Like seriously laid. One or two thunderfucks and he'd quit bitching and moaning about contraception. He'd have a smile on his face rather than whatever it is he does when he's trying to appear sincere and presidential. And we could move on to something important, like designating a national procreative position. We're Americans, so I'm sure it would be missionary. But a man can dream.
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