I thought, for a second, they were going to ask about the empty apartment in my triplex. And then I noticed the clipboard with pamphlets.

"With all the horrible things happening in the world, y'know, earthquakes and such, we wanted to stop by and tell you the good news."

I wasn't in the mood for the good news, I had other shit to do. I took the pamphlet because that's the quickest way to get out of the conversation.

Japan is trying to deal with their worst earthquake on record, and these clowns wanted to tell me this was a good thing. You see, all of these bad things are God's way of eradicating the wicked in preparation for Heaven on Earth.

So all the Japanese are wicked? And I thought the NFL owners were in league with Satan.

And if all these wicked people die so that the "good" can live forever in the Kingdom of Heaven, wouldn't that make the wicked martyrs for your salvation?

I didn't engage in this conversation. I didn't sit down the young men in my living room so we could discuss the nitty gritty of the end of the world and how this is a freakin' great thing. Y'know, the end that's been prophesied since the beginning of humanity. Impending doom gets people's attention.

It was rather insulting to have people push their religion with a horrific natural disaster halfway around the world. Especially since I'm not quite sure what telling people that the end is coming ("Rejoice!") accomplishes.

If the end is coming soon should I just go ahead and quit the job? Stop paying rent? Car insurance? Run red lights with impunity?

What's your freakin' point?

Freedom is the enemy. Humanity's free will has doomed us. And if we all just give up that free will and come to this version of God, then we'll all...uh...be with God when it all goes to shit. This God who apparently can't do much of anything except demand penitence.

And why is there a big moose on the cover of the exciting pamphlet entitled "All Suffering SOON TO END!"? The wicked are going to die, but we (if we're among the "good") will get forty acres in Heaven with a log cabin and a moose?

The moose is not explained in the pamphlet. Neither are the bushels of pumpkins (this is the preferred heavenly meal? Pumpkins?). Or the basket of evil apples...why do they get to be in Heaven while the rest of us wicked suffer? But there sure is a lot about free will.

Apparently it's a two-edged sword this free will. It was an incredible gift from God, but we're using it wrong. Free will was meant to give humans the ability to worship God. Instead we've used free will to do whatever we want (we're so literal with the word "free"). We humans suck. If we'd just used our free will to be just like God wanted us to be, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm thinking I still have to go to work on Monday. The end isn't coming. And my moose isn't waiting for me in Heaven.

But the earthquake (and subsequent aftershocks and nuclear plant meltdowns) in Japan is real. So maybe we should delay our celebration about the end of the world, and deal with our problems with that pesky free will we've got tainting our hearts.

Matt Worley wonders why the only parts of the Bible most people quote are the beginning and the end.