The first thing you need to know is that there is no formula.

When I was a boy, the girls were everywhere in abundance. Before puberty, they were pretty much like boys accept with nicer hair. Then puberty hit, and the dance began.

Seriously, there were a lot of dances. Cotillion dances, church dances, illegal dances, band dances, dances in the dark, homecoming dances, prom dances. It was as if dances were the formula for getting the girl when I was a kid, but there was no formula. In the institution called high school, I had a couple girlfriends, a few trysts, and a few secret admirers, but I didn't find that sweetheart.

On to college. Not so many dances. Lots more keggers. It was as if booze took the place of dancing. I had two big curses: too much thinking and too much talking. By the way, you can never talk your way into a girl's pants. While I seemed to have the upper hand as a kid, the women in college seemed to instantly decide whether a guy was worth their time. No worries, though. My parents met in college, my oldest brother met his wife in college, if I kept my eyes open, I'd find mine too, right? I carried a few torches for girls who were more than happy to have me chase at a distance. Save a few weak moments by somebody else's girlfriends, getting the girl was more difficult than ever.

Then came the REAL world. I instantly stopped meeting girls my age. Where did they go? What did they do? How would I find them? For four years, I didn't find them. There were cute waitresses in bars, a stray single girl here and there, but really, nothing. After I decided not to sleep with girls I wasn't legitimately interested in, all the women sort of disappeared.

I got older and started to wander and wonder. Would I ever get the girl? Do I even want the girl? Do I like girls? If you're single long enough, you eventually have to ask and answer these questions.

I got into theatre. A big reason was that there were cute girls there. I had wandered long enough that girls younger than me were beginning to wander. There were a handful of girls in my theatre gang, and they did the rounds. Even I got a crack at a couple of them. They were just playing, but I learned to appreciate any attention I got.

Lo and behold, I even found a girlfriend for a year or so. She was a poet. She was smart. She was nuts. I figured that would be a good combination for me. It wasn't, she knew it and left me. I started a rock n' roll band. There's always that rock slut in the corner waiting for the lead singer to come off the stage dripping in sweat for her to lick, right? Well, I came off the stage dripping in sweat and bought myself a whiskey. There were a few big and tall girls and a round Indian girl or two to smooch, but I stuck to my mantra of not sleeping with girls I didn't want. Queen was right, fat bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round.

I dated a Heather Thomas. I dated a Nikki Taylor. Neither were models. I dated actresses. I dated musicians. They were not stable. I tried a blind date. I tried a sight date. I'd meet women all over the place and not be impressed with what I saw, and visa versa. I was over thirty and beginning to think these women were not worth the trouble or the effort.

I tried dating a 20 year old girl I met backstage while acting in a Family Series play. She was a Hispanic girl who made herself up to look like Marilyn Monroe. We would go out to eat once a week, and she finally took her make up off. She was still cute. Turns out she wasn't 20. She was 18. I was 32. I could've quit right then, but it wasn't illegal.

She moved into my neighborhood, and our once-a-week dates turned into two or three a week. I knocked her up, she moved in, we had a daughter, and I married her. In that order. That's how I got the girl. Voila!

The last thing you need to know is that there is no formula.

Chris Jungle has never found a better girl than his wife.