The Interwebs tell me that on the day after the first Thanksgiving, William Bradford rose from his bed and addressed his wife.

"Hie thee, woman, to the Waal-Maarten [the Pilgrims spent some time in Holland] and pick up some hoops and sticks for the children, as the proprietor in his wisdom has marked them down for the impending Christmas season."

And thus, Black Friday was born. What history fails to tell us is what Bradford himself did after his wife headed off to the store. It's obvious, really. He did what any good man still does today: He wandered down to the brewer and picked up a bucket of beer.

Why waste a day fighting people tooth-and-nail for the last "it's not quite destroyed" Bump-and-Grind Mickey? Why not spend the day enjoying the best that the holiday season has to offer.

So here's my guide to a good Brew Friday.

Thursday, 11 p.m.: Wave goodbye to the crazy shopping people as the San Fran-Ravens tilt enters the fourth quarter. Given that this game is in Baltimore, your beer of choice should be a Heavy Seas Winter Storm. It's got just enough kick to put you to bed as soon as Joe Flacco tosses one more pass into the 49er defense.

Friday, 10 a.m.: Why get up early? Sleep in, and then have a hearty breakfast. On the day after Thanksgiving I like to make an omelette-ish dish that involves stuffing, turkey, gravy, two eggs, cheese and about a half cup of Tabasco. Whatever your pleasure, make it hearty. You're gonna need it unless you're keen on premature regurgitation.

11 a.m.: Hie thee down to your local brew dispensary and pick up some Bell's Christmas Ale. At least, that's the day we're supposed to get it over here. If you already have acquired this beer, make sure it's cold.

12 noon: Pour your first beer of the day, and make it a double. The California Holiday Black-and-Tan is a tradition at my house. Get a big glass, tankard or stein and empty one Anchor Steam Christmas Ale and one Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale and drink. It's good. And you'll need it, because the marquee football game at noon is Iowa at Nebraska. If that particular brand of Big Ten football is not your bag, pop in a beer movie. There haven't been many (if any) good movies that focus on beer, but since it's early in the day you might as well go with Beer. This alleged satire starred Loretta Swit and Rip Torn, and also showcases a very young David Alan Grier. The catchphrase for this movie is "Whip out your Nordecker." You have been warned.

1 p.m.: I should have mentioned this earlier, but just as in any attempt at a Guinness World Record, you should always reserve five minutes at the top of the hour for urination and other maintenance issues. In any case, the perfect holiday beer for the early afternoon is Samuel Smith's Winter Welcome, a toasty brew that never fails to please. If you've been dipping into hallucinogenics as well as beer, you might spend a few hours pondering the label for this beer. Go ahead. It's full of all sorts of things, but probably none of significance.

2 p.m.: If your first beer movie is finished and you still can't stomach the idea of watching a game being played in Lincoln and somehow don't want to watch the #1 and #2 teams playing at 2:30, then throw in Beeerfest It's a lot worse that Beer, but it also features my brother as an extra. If you watch the deleted scenes, he's in there a lot more. I'd call "Spot Chris Jungle" a great drinking game, except that he's not in the movie enough for you to catch a buzz. Your beer for this hour? Anderson Valley Winter Solstice, which has a fine vanilla kick to its creamy goodness.

3 p.m.: If you're still watching Beerfest, shoot your DVD player and turn on the Arkansas-LSU game. Seriously, you're gonna drink beer all day and not watch a good football game? Anyway, as the competition grows tougher, you need a beer with more staying power. Break out that Bell's Christmas Ale that's been chillin' and enjoy its biscuity goodness.

4 p.m.: Get your inner fruit on with a Sam Adams Cranberry Lambic. This is generally not sold in six-packs, but it is found in the Sam Adams Holiday Sampler. It's light and sweet, even if it isn't a lambic by any stretch of the imagination.

5 p.m.: Just as the LSU-Arkansas tilt is getting really heavy, it's time for another beer. Rip the cork out of a Corsendonk Christmas Ale and get your Belgian on. If you're going to be sitting through Beer: The Movie (not to be confused with Beer), you'll need plenty help.

6 p.m.: If the Corsendonk doesn't do it, then uncork another Belgian. The Delerium Noel is a bit heavier than the Delerium Tremens, but it's awfully yummy, too. If you have been wise enough to avoid Beer: The Movie (not to mention Utah-Colorado--Aaaargh! My eyes! My eyes!), then now is the time to start up Strange Brew, which is easily the best movie ever made about beer, even if it isn't very good at all. At least it's funny. And there are plenty of fart jokes.

7 p.m.: No matter what you've been doing, it's getting to be time for bed. A Troeg's Mad Elf (12 percent ABV) is just the ticket. The only worry I have is that a Mad Elf would be wasted at the end of a day like this. If you're not quite up to the subtlety of a high alcohol beer made with cherries, just slide that puppy back in the fridge and have it on Saturday. After all, there are good games (like Missouri-Kansas) to watch then.

In any case, sitting around the house drinking holiday beer is a much better game plan than buying anything (other than beer, of course). In the way of disclaimers, let me point out that actually following this plan of action will lead to severe intoxication by mid-afternoon. And if you watch any of the aforementioned movies (with the possible exception of Strange Brew), you're risking some serious gastric distress. Moderation is always the best policy unless you live by yourself and don't expect to see another human being for, say, the next week. Have fun, and don't shop!

Jon Worley will never have a true Brew Friday, because he has a wife, kids, neighbors and mice.