Republicans aren't happy with their candidates for president. To a person they believe that a dead dog could beat the Prez, but they want to have a decent living candidate in the event that they're wrong about that.

Now that Rick Perry has proven to be mortal (as well as unable to function after 9 p.m. Central time), there's a renewed call for Chris Christie to join the race. Never mind that Americans haven't elected a morbidly obese (Christie is 5' 11" and at least 285 lbs.--according to his own people) candidate since Howard Taft. As long as Republicans remain unsatisfied with their choices, they'll keep looking for saviors on the horizon. There aren't many Republicans left in the grab bag, but let's look at a few of the Jesuses in waiting.

1. Chris Christie
Why they want him: He's a reasonably popular governor of a generally Democratic state. He has a habit of screaming in public. And he can raise more money than Bernie Madoff.

Why they don't: Christie isn't fat. He qualifies as extremely obese. Also, he yells a lot. Also, he's a social moderate, which hasn't worn well with the Republican electorate of late.

2. Jeb Bush
Why they want him: He's smart, capable and sane.

Why they don't want him: He's smart, capable and sane. Oh, and his last name hasn't gotten more popular despite the turnaround in Republican fortunes.

3. Marco Rubio
Why they want him: He's young, and he's a real TPer.

Why they don't want him: He hasn't ever been tested in a campaign of any significance (his Senate race does not count), which makes some queasy about his general election chances. He's #1 on the veep charts, though.

4. Paul Ryan
Why they want him: He's young, smart and ideologically pure.

Why they don't want him: He's got a few wingdings in his ideology closet. It's highly unlikely that any candidate could win a general election after campaigning for the privatization of Medicare and Social Security.

5. Sarah Palin
Why they want her: She's SARAH PALIN!

Why they don't want her: She's SARAH PALIN!

6. Rudy Giuliani
Why they want him: They don't.

Why they don't want him: I just don't have the space to list all the reasons. I just put him in here because a couple of really rich guys in New York are trying to get him to run.

7. Bob Erlich
Why they want him: He was a recent governor of one of the most liberal states in the country.

Why they don't want him: Maryland voters wised up and have twice rejected his attempts to get back into the governor's mansion--despite his cameo on The Wire.

As you can see, I was really hitting the bottom of the barrel by the end. But if Gary "One Toke Over the Line" Johnson can slip into a national debate, there's no good reason that Bob Erlich couldn't, either.

Oh wait, this just came over the wire. There are rumors that a Pale Rider armed with A Fistful of Dollars may come over hill to rule the Unforgiven city.

Actually, that might be fun. We'll just have to wait and see.

Jon Worley doesn't think Americans will actually elect an 80-year-old president, but one should never say "never" in politics.