I love America. I love its purple-mountained majesties and its puke-stained crack houses. I love its waves of grain and its gaudy sports cathedrals. I love its public libraries, even if the Department of Homeland Security can critque my reading list whenever it wants to do so.

I love America. I really do.

And that is why I feel the time has come for me to make an important announcement. I will not seek, nor will I accept, the nomination for the office of President of the United States on my beloved Libertarian-Socialist ticket.

I seriously considered this decision. My potential run had the full support of my family. My older son told me, "Dude, you should totally run. The White House has its own bowling alley." My wife said, "I don't care what you do, as long as you're at the bus stop at 3:15 to pick up the kids." And my younger son said, "Mike passes to Ovechkin. He scores! BRRRRRRRM!" Support like that makes me so proud to be a member of my family. But I regret that I must pass on this opportunity.

This is a tough choice for me. My party contains only one dues-paying member, which means that the ol' Lib Sox could really use an infusion of public money to get things going. Given the paucity of the party's membership, though, perhaps Lib Sock is a better shorthand.

I do feel that Lib Sock policies such as support for National Health Care and a reduction in agricultural and energy subsidies would help to put America on the right track. We (the royal we, I suppose) believe that the government should have no say in who marries whom. We believe that rich folks ought to chip into Social Security all the way up their paychecks. The Lib Sock agenda is highly rational and reasonably compassionate. Which is why it has no chance with today's electorate.

I am a citizen of Takoma Park. I am a citizen of Maryland. I am a citizen of the United States. And I am a citizen of the earth. Most importantly, I am a human being. And human beings shouldn't have to stand for hours while scads of people walk by to get their pictures taken.

And that, finally, is why I must disappoint my party (if not my nation) by not running for president. I do not want to stand and get my picture taken with thousands of people. My back hurts bad enough after standing while watching soccer games. Having to stand still, shake hands and put on fake smile after fake smile? You've gotta be kidding me. I'd rather vote for Rick Santorum than be president and have to put up with that nonsense.

So Mr. Prez, you're safe for four more years. My fly won't be in your ointment (um, that doesn't read as well as I thought it would). You are free to run the country, provided you can knock off whoever wins the G.O.P.'s "Smallest Mind in America" contest. And given the state of politics today, that's not exactly a slam dunk.

Jon Worley was born in Rochester, N.Y., in 1970 and thus is eligible to be president. Or maybe not. It took six tries to get the Maryland DMV to accept his birth certificate, so maybe his parents are hiding something.