It was somewhere in the middle of my egg foo young when I remembered that eggs everywhere are being discriminated against because of their predilection for salmonella. There were big chunks of pork, shrimp and chicken in the Thai omelet...and I realized that chickens and eggs should stop beating each other up about who was first. They work so well together!

Thanks for coming out, I'll be here for a little longer before turning to dust.

Back when I was a vampire, I was much thinner.

I leave work early because I'm done with work.

The handwriting on the wall is atrocious. I have no idea what it's trying to tell me.

White supremacist escaped convicts hide out in Arizona. Probably because they won't be racially profiled and checked for their immigration status.

The Democratic Gubernatorial candidate lies about how good the state is doing. The Republican lies about how bad we are.

I'm running out of time. Better reset the clock.

Albuquerque cops are going to set a record for shooting suspects this year. They get a raise AND they get to shoot more people?

I need a new job.

Have you ever noticed that when people say "have you ever noticed" that no one in the audience pipes up, says "yes" and asks them to skip the obvious observation?

Have you ever noticed when you're looking in the mirror that some stranger has been living at your place all these years?

I was driving drunk the other morning and thought if you made the sidewalks bigger, they'd be much easier to drive on.

I don't have a million of these. I'm gonna run out soon.

Unlike vinyl records, there will not be a renaissance of VHS tapes.

The grocery clerk asked me if the alfalfa sprouts I was buying were any good.

I'm going to open a shop selling things that no one makes or uses anymore.

While playing God for the last month or so, I realized that people are interpreting My unauthorized biography completely wrong.

Matt Worley doesn't laugh at himself enough.