One *&$%#@ guy?

One $%#*&% guy.

I think we've all been watching too many movies. Or TV dramas. Or game shows. Or something. Because there's not just one &*^%#$ guy living in this country. But, for some reason, we all seem to think it comes down to one @#%&*$ guy. Some magical Jack Bauer working 24 hours a day (and then he gets a little vacation, right? I mean seven seasons isn't just one long continuous week in Jack's life, is it?) to get the job done.

Democrats can't get health care passed if they don't have a super majority? One %&*$#@ Republican guy wins in Massachusetts, and Democrats are all %&&$#$ in their hands. The sky has fallen. Nothing will get done. We've lost 41 to 59. And we have the 59!

I don't know about you, but every game I've ever seen is won by the winners. And if you have 59 and the other guys have 41, you win. Except golf, but no one will ever shoot a 41 to win in golf. Thinking 41 beats 59 is some rather fuzzy math, people. Y'know, the Republicans never had to have a super majority to pass their %&$#.

I thought if there's just one &#@$*% guy then it's gotta be the President. Apparently not. Apparently its some guy who's never been a Senator before. And we're not talking about Al Franken (although he was the one &%$*#@ guy a few months back).

In the Supreme Court, it's always down to one &%$#@ guy. It's one $#@&% guy at the confirmation hearings and then when they get down to business, too. And it is business. Because last week the Supreme Court decided that corporations and unions weren't getting the most of their freedom of speech. So, instead of protecting the speech of one &%$#@ guy, they went the other way. They said screw the individual, it's the businesses who need the most freedom of speech. I guess because they have more money. And so, by one %$#&% guy's vote, the floodgates have opened. Campaign finance rules (meant to protect the little men from the rich ones) got thrown out.

Because, apparently, we really need oil and health care companies to tell us who to vote for. Which one #$@&% guy was it? Maybe the one with the ^%$# eating grin in those eerie still pose photo ops.

Jay Leno is one &%$*&^ guy. The one $%#@& guy NBC wants. But he's gonna have to build his one &%$#@ guy status back because Conan O'Brien got fired precisely because Leno is the one &%*$#@ guy. And Conan got the sympathy vote from all the other guys. But Conan was never the one &%$##@ guy. He was the loser. Conan did get one of the best severance packages I've seen in a long time, though. And he totally got the shaft. Or the Leno. Kinda like Letterman got the Leno back in the early 90s when Leno was declared the one *^&%$# guy then. If you think about it, Conan should have seen it coming.

I watched the end of Conan's last show (after never watching it live over the last seven months and just a few clips on the interweb from the last week). It ended with an all-star jam of "Freebird," and Conan rocked the rhythm guitar. But why didn't he smash that sucker? It's the end of the line, buddy! Give us the visceral rock star ending! Probably because Conan's not one of those %$#&*@ guys.

This country has more than 300 million people. Fifty states and a few odds and ends. Hundreds of cities. Thousands of towns. Millions of businesses and houses. And, in each case, there's some %$@&^ guy who thinks they are the %$#&* man. Men and women all over who believe they are the one %$#&*% guy. But the whole point of this country is that there isn't just one %$#@& guy.

So get over that one %$#&*@ guy and get back to business. You want to pass health care? Then pass it. You've been pussy-footin' on this sucker for months. If you aren't gonna do it, throw up the white flag and try something else. But don't blame that one %$@&% guy from Massachusetts, because he ain't &%^.

I thought when we voted for Obama to be the one fucking guy, he was gonna be the fucking man. It's about time to be the one fucking guy, buddy. It's about %#@$& time.

Matt Worley says %$#@ a lot more after a whiskey or two.