Frying pans bubbling up eggs as a metaphor for brain damage didn't work (although it was pretty funny).

And the humorous sight of drunks trying to touch their noses didn't work (although it did give some local actor/comedians some cash--also kinda funny).

I never really figured out why people drove around with their cars full of beer or margaritas or martinis, but that didn't really work either. I guess it was supposed to be visually dramatic. Ad men are geniuses.

But now the anti-ads are on to guilt trips. This will fix everyone's bad habits. Y'know those sins a lot of people do (and are even legal in many cases), but the government has taken it upon itself to eradicate.

If you smoke, you're killing your unborn child.

If you drink and drive, you'll kill your daughter.

If you do meth, you bring the zombie apocalypse upon us all.

Now I have to say meth is pretty bad. Heroin is horrible. And cocaine is a little much.

But constantly using hard-on drugs to get it up and then sleeping pills to bed down probably ain't too good for you either. And there are ads telling you to ask your doctor (re: dealer) about using those drugs.

There aren't as many smokers anymore. Or at least I don't see 'em as much. They have to hide their habit like other drug users these days. There's no indoor place they can smoke except where they live, and a lot of them don't smoke in their houses either. Even the President sneaks out of the White House for a drag. And it's pretty expensive (something like $5 a pack) considering how much smokers who still smoke smoke. A smoker can go through a pack or two a day. And there are 20 cigarettes in a pack. At the same time, it's pretty expensive for the gum or patch or whatever substitute you decide on to stop the smoking.

If pot were legal and came in cigarette pack sizes, a pack could last weeks if not longer. You might think it's a little out there, but we're pretty close to legalizing pot for a couple of reasons: taxes and drug cartel violence. Also, in addition to providing another tax base for states (and maybe the federal government), it would create a bunch of "green" jobs in every state. And completely eliminate pot smuggling across national borders.

But, at the same time, the government would find it necessary to spend money to tell kids not to smoke pot. Don't smoke and drive. Don't buy for kids. And figure out a way to pass that drug test at work since almost every job requires this these days. It'll be legal, though. Just watch.

Drinking and driving are both legal (if you're at least 21 and can pass the driver's license test). But you can't do them together. And by that, you can't drive after you've been drinking. Not just that you can't drive and drink at the same time (this is actually physically easier than texting or talking on the phone and driving, but still, you'll get arrested for it).

This makes a paradox of social ills, though. Because if you ask most people, they'd say it's fine to go to a restaurant and have drinks with your meal. Or have a couple of drinks after work at the bar. Both of these actions could put you over the legal limit--and you still have to get home, so you'll be driving (the deadly mix!). But, if you buy beer or wine or liquor at a store and then take it home to drink, people will say you have a drinking problem. It's not "social" drinking then. But you aren't drinking and driving. You're drinking and sitting. And probably staring at the TV or something.

But there aren't any ads telling you not to drink and sit at home watching TV.

So no matter what we do we're killing someone else. And, probably, killing ourselves slowly as well. And we're Americans, so we shouldn't be killing other Americans. Americans killing other nationalities of people is just fine. We do that all the time. We keep doing it because those other people are bad. Kinda like heroin addicts but with strange explosive underwear and wacky religious beliefs.

And now I'm all turned around because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do anymore. Being single, I should be out trying to change my singleness to a duo--at a bar or some other social mixing place. And being a renter, I should be trying to buy a home to live in--but not to drink in. And being childless, I should be trying to create life somewhere habitable--I guess so I have a reason not to drink and drive because that would kill the child. Oh yeah, and, while attempting to do all of these socially desired things, I can't drink, smoke, shoot, sniff or drive around without my mind clear and both hands at ten and two.

I'm exhausted, and I haven't even done anything yet. But just thinking about it might have killed someone inadvertently.

Matt Worley drove from the bar on Friday after a few drinks (and food!), ran a red light and then used a "no thru traffic" road to get to his home. But he wasn't talking on his cell phone at the same time, so it's all good.