11.7.10
Oh, Canada!
by Jon Worley

A few of my friends (okay, more than a few) jokingly mentioned a move to Canada (or even overseas) as a reaction to the recent election.

Never mind that Democrats control 1 1/2 of the three branches of government. Never mind that Republicans didn't flee to Canada after the 2008 election (although many moved to China and seem to have developed a disturbing taste for oligarchian government). Never mind...well, never mind.

Yes, I know that Canadian health care is far superior to American health care. And I know that Canadians tend to shoot each other much less than Americans, despite a similar firearms-to-citizens ratio. And yes, there's nothing like Don Cherry and Hockey Night in Canada.

Nonetheless, in the interests of keeping the U.S. population stable, I humbly offer a few reasons why even the most disturbed citizens might want to stick around.

  • On the whole, pro hockey in the U.S. is much better than in Canada. Would you rather watch Calgary-Ottawa or Washington-Pittsburgh in the Winter Classic? It's gonna be awesome with a capital W in Steel Town on New Year's Day!

  • Gordon Lightfoot stayed in Canada. Neil Young moved to the U.S.

  • U.S. beer is the best in the world. More styles, better selection and hands down the craziest brewers anywhere.

  • Canadian college football sucks.

  • Beyonce or Alanis? 'Nuff sed.

  • Can you name a good Canadian roller coaster? Me neither.

  • New York or Montreal? Gotta go with Gotham: Better Chinese food.

  • Americans don't need God to save no stinking Queen!

  • Mississippi or St. Lawrence? I know my answer.

  • There are no wild tarantulas in Canada.

  • The American national dinosaur is the bald eagle. The Canadian national dinosaur is the great northern loon. Hmm.

  • Michael Cera or Seth Rogen? Oh, wait, they're both Canadian. Damnit!

    Okay, so maybe my list isn't the most impressive. Maybe it might be better to move to Canada. Teach your kids how to snowshoe nine months out of the year. And if they play hockey, there's no need to worry about braces.

    Canada is sounding better all the time.


    A shorter version of this column originally appeared on Facebook.

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