A few years ago, the FBI discovered a number of Russian "sleeper" agents living in the United States. Then it sat back and waited for the agents to do some real spying.

They never did.

According to various news reports, the only reason the "spies" were arrested at all is that some of them suspected that the FBI was on to their dastardly plan (whatever that might have been) and were pondering flight back to Mother Russia.

And yet, since the "spies" didn't do any real spying (sending the Russian government the latest in travel agency technology is not, in fact, espionage), the "spies" weren't charged as spies. Rather, they were accused of failing to register as foreign agents and of laundering money (their pay was secret, so they used back channels to get it).

The utter incompetence of these "spies" immediately brought three thoughts to my mind: These "spies" were a smokescreen for a set of real spies who are out there stealing the Facebooks's secret formula (vaguely possible); The Russian spy agency is about as inept as the CIA when it comes to large operations (quite possible) or these "spies" were milking their Russian masters for every possible penny in order to live the high life in suburban America (ding! ding! ding!).

I mean, a few of these "spies" were couples with arranged marriages (as such) hanging out with their (apparently biological) kids at neighborhood barbecues, swapping tips on hydrangeas and rib rubs. The only information they sent back to their Russian masters was stuff that any analyst in Russia could find on the Internet with a few keyboard strokes. And yet, these "spies" were paid handsomely for years and years. Apparently, living in America qualifies Russian agents for hardship pay.

There's only one thing any of these spies did that was worth even a single cent: Chatting up Russian-friendly fellows at Washington think tanks. Not because any useful information came out of it, of course. It's just that only cold, hard cash could get anyone to put themselves through such an excruciatingly boring ordeal. Have you ever met a fellow? Good lord, I thought I was an arrogant ass. Then I met someone from Brookings, and I realized that all I've got is a healthy ego. These fellows are full-blown egomaniacs--and they aren't much for speaking in clear English, either.

This whole non-spy affair is all very silly, and the Prez played it quite well, shipping these non-spies back to Russia in exchange for three real spies and one guy who might have been a spy. This is something like the Mets getting two-time Cy Young winner Bret Saberhagen for Kevin McReynolds, Gregg Jeffries and Keith Miller. While I don't usually like to look at things from this perspective, in this case the U.S. would be the Mets, and Russia would be the Royals.

The only other question rumbling through my brain I have is why the Russians kept running these sleeping dogs. It's not cheap keeping ten (or was it twelve?) people well-kept in Dockers, Crocs and MiracleGro.

This is all too silly. One can only hope that John LeCarre can find the humor in this situation and fit it within his current post-Cold War perspective. Spies who get paid to do nothing but cruise the Internet, procreate and throw backyard barbecues? I mean, the depth of the material is almost endless.

Truth may be stranger than fiction, but great fiction always carries a better tune.

Jon Worley prefers his metaphors shaken, not stirred.