Hi folks, I'm Bob McDonnell, governor of Virginia and ex-presidential hopeful.

I'd like to apologize for all the silly things I've done the past couple of weeks. That whole "slavery wasn't a significant issue in Virginia's decision to secede from the union" thing? And my institution of a literacy test as part of the process for felons to regain their rights? I guess those might not have been the right things to do. But c'mon, get off my back. It's not like I'm endorsing slavery or Jim Crow or anything like that. I just didn't know any better.

I attended high school at Bishop Ireton in Alexandria. And I can assure you that no teacher ever mentioned slavery as a cause of the War of Northern Aggression. I'm certain I would have remembered something like that if it was in a history book or something. I mean, it's not like slavery is a big deal to me. My family was so poor we never could have owned any slaves. So if I knew that slavery had anything to do with the Great Patriotic Conflict, you know I would have put a mention of that in my proclamation acclaiming April as Confederate History Month. But no one ever mentioned anything about slavery when I was in school.

I must sincerely apologize to everyone who believes that slavery had anything to do with the War for States Rights--I mean, the Civil War. No one ever told me.

And I never knew anything about the literacy tests during the Jim Crow era that allegedly kept black folks from voting. I just thought an essay section in the application to restore a felon's rights would be a nice personal touch. I mean, you've gotta write essays for the SAT now, so why not write one to get your rights back? I mean,getting your rights reinstated is a big deal. Put a little effort into it. I promise the graders won't be too tough if your grammar isn't perfect. But really--if you can't get your subjects and verbs to agree, then you have no business stepping into a voting booth.

To err is human and to forgive is divine. I know I have the Lord's forgiveness for my actions--if they were wrong. And I know that I'll continue to make mistakes from time to time--if they are actual mistakes.

I thank the good and righteous white people of Virginia for their continued support. May God bless you, and may God bless all real Americans.

Jon Worley is so pissed off he couldn't even write a complete column this week.