It's all swirling together like one big pop culture mishmash:
A politician accusing a comic of being a perverted old man.
A gay man with a green snake on the cover of the Rolling Stone.
And a TV show about having too many kids has become one about the dissolution of a marriage.

I'm only tangentially aware of these things. They shoot at me when I start up my computer and go online. These are the biggest stories happening in the world right now.

I have to search for whether or not the Royals pulled one out last night (they did). Or if Iran has a new president (they don't). But if you watch every TV show in the world, then you can get news about the shows I assume you have to watch to care about. Why are TV shows news? Aren't they shows? Don't you watch the shows to see what happens on them? Why are there "news" stories about who won some TV show competition? If we really cared, wouldn't we have watched the TV? Am I being repetitive here? Am I repeating myself? Did I just say that? Is the answer on TV or the Internets? Have they merged and will begin having TV/Internet children? And will there be a show about that?

I don't know, it seems like anything Sarah Palin does can be joked about. I mean, what is she doing at a major league baseball game anyway? Isn't she a hockey mom? Why is she in the lower 48? Isn't she governor of Alaska? Isn't she watching out for Russian bears roaming across the Bering Strait? And when your oldest daughter gets knocked up, announces she's engaged and then kicks the guy to the curb right after giving birth--AND THEN says abstinence is good and works--well, you gotta make fun of that. I don't think you can be a born-again virgin if you've had a kid. I mean, how can we take any of this seriously? These aren't real people, they're stars of a totally fucked-up reality TV show.

If I watched late night talk shows, I'd probably watch Letterman. But I haven't watched late night talk shows since college. This is what people put into their heads right before they go to sleep? I'm not missing anything. Especially since it's news the next day when I go to work. I can read about what I missed...a recap of sorts. Always fun to READ about TV. Did I say that earlier?

Speaking of reading, it used to be cool to be on the cover of the Rolling Stone, but they shrunk the magazine. It's no longer the biggest music magazine (size wise), Spin is. Interestingly enough, Spin shrunk and then got bigger again. It didn't take them long to figure out a little bit more acreage was a good idea on a magazine stand. Rolling Stone not only shrunk the size of the cover, they put out smaller issues now, too. Trust me, it's all leading up to one big dick joke.

So the American Idol loser had to cram a bunch of things pointing to his crotch AND he had less space than Al Gore a few years back. Al Gore just stuffed his jeans with a few tube socks. Because being green gives everyone a chubby.

I haven't figured out why people watch shows about people with way too much access to fertility drugs. And why do they dress all of these little robot children in the same clothes? How can you tell any of them apart? Do they have numbers tattooed on them somewhere? Little chips in their necks they can zap with a remote control to give up relevant information like name, rank and birth order number?

And how does a couple with a gazillion children have time for affairs? Does it seem like the parents aren't really taking care of their factory grown robot kids? Are the parents robots, too? Programmed to do extremely wacky things for the purposes of putting a plot into an unscripted show?

So they keep these reality shows about human robots running amok on the air, but they cancel my fictional shows about machines draped in human skin? So unfair those TV machines.

But they are bringing back "Futurama." So maybe there's hope.

I thought Bret Michaels was a robot, too. But apparently not. I still haven't figured out why he was on the Tonys, but he got his comeuppance. Broadway broke his nose.

And so at work, after reading about all these human machines doing their stupid things on the TV, I walk back to the warehouse and work on the machines that look like machines. When I'm tired of them, I just pull the plug.

Matt Worley thought he was a reality star once, but realized if he was, he'd be able to watch himself on TV. And then read about it on the Internet in the morning.