As I sat and watched day-after-Thanksgiving football, a little message scrolled across the bottom of the screen. One thing about football is that it must have little messages constantly scrolling the bottom of the screen, because sometimes the little messages mean more to you than the big picture. And don't you need a bigger picture, so you can see the little messages more clearly? Sometimes, the little messages get cut off so you can't even read them. Yes, I can digress before I even get to a point. The point is that the little message said Tiger Woods had been in a car accident.

First, it said he was in serious condition at a Florida hospital. Then, it said he had been treated and released. Then, it said it was a one car accident where he ran over a fire hydrant and hit a tree. Then, it said his wife smashed out the rear windows on his Cadillac Escalade to save him. Then, it they found him bleeding and unconscious in the middle of the street. Oh, those little messages mean so much in our post 9-11 world.

It still doesn't top the pinnacle of sports-on-sports news flashes. The champ continues to be watching the NBA finals between the New York Knicks and Houston Rockets while in the corner there was a slow speed car chase of a white Ford Bronco that contained O.J. Simpson. I really thought O.J. was going to blow his head off at the end of the chase the way it all transpired. In case you forgot, the Rockets won the Finals and O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder charges and is now in jail for being a big bully. Weird.

But back to our man Tiger. None of the reports made sense unless there was something unsaid going on. Who leaves their mansion at 2 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving unless they really want to be in line for those sales on big screen TVs (you know, so you can see those little messages more clearly in HD)? Certainly not the richest man in professional sports. By noon, I had deduced along with most of America that his wife beat him unconscious with a golf club, and usually there are two reasons wives beat their husbands: finances and affairs. I assumed the issue wasn't money problems.

Sure enough, tabloid journalism discovered that Tiger has been playing the field, and not just on the golf course. How can tabloid journalism can be so good at digging up dirt and yet unable to prove there were no WMDs in Iraq in 2002? Oh yeah, there was no racy scandal involving celebrities. Just politicians lying so they could feed the war machine. Tiger having affairs? Now that requires top notch undercover journalism!

I will admit it. Tiger Woods has made me do something I never thought I would do: actually watch golf on TV. It's usually only the last four holes of a major tournament, but it's watching golf nonetheless. If he can make me watch a little golf, then he's making millions of other people watch golf even more. Without him, no one is watching golf. Anyone care who won the tournament he backed out of this weekend because of his injuries? Not really.

Now we all know about his transgressions. He cheated on his wife, probably with multiple women. The richest sports figure is like every other man who travels around the world more than he stays at home. No better, no worse. He's human. Sigh.

As a man engaged to be married, I am only going to say this once. You can get with almost anything with your wife as long as you don't cheat on her. It's as simple as that. I know that women come in all shapes and sizes, but you really need to save that penis & vagina action for your spouse. Besides, it seems like having an affair takes a lot of unnecessary work and effort, especially if you're famous. It's just penis & vagina action.

I don't know if I think much less of Tiger. I'll probably still watch the last four holes of a major if he's in contention to win, but his stature will always be tarnished. Like O.J. And Kobe Bryant. And Pete Rose. And so forth.

A lot of people looked up to Tiger as a hero. Now, they will have to shop for another one. Fortunately, my heroes were rock stars and writers, and everyone knows they have messed up lives. I have no heroes now. It's been a while since I did have one, because if there's one thing I've learned over the years, heroes are meant to become old and tarnished.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, whoo, whoo, whoo. What's that, he divorced Marilyn? Jeez, just forget then.

Chris Jungle is no one's hero, but he hasn't cheated on his fiancee either.