**Warning** The following SUIT column contains material that may be unsuitable for...oh, who am I kidding?

Okay, let's start with a cab ride I had on Thursday. A corner call at Santa Clara and Columbia. Corner calls are always weird, just because they don't seem to be able have an actual address location. 'The corner of'--it even sounds sketchy. So I pick up this guy who wasn't actually at the corner at 7:30 in the morning, but he runs to my cab as if his life depended on it.

He hops in and says 'Take me to Rio Rancho!' This is the suburb to the northwest of Albuquerque. I tell him he must pay cash and he agrees. Then he commences to tell me about having sex with a woman the night before who is now accusing him of rape. He does this while repeating the word "Fuck," "Fool," "Bro," and "Bitch" in different combinations. An example would be "Fuck bro, if some bitch thinks she can charge me for rape, some fool is going to get popped." There was a lot of that clever rationale going on.

The guy even thought he should call the cops to tell them his side of the story. I thought this was odd, but when he said he had warrants for his arrest, I told him it was downright stupid to do that. Loooooooong story short, my friend here had been doing cocaine all night with some women, had sex with one of them, another who he had sex with the night before got jealous and threatened to call the cops and charge him with rape. His friend had left him there, and this is why he called for a cab. Lucky me took the call.

It was kind of lucky for me because I made sixty bucks off my new paranoid friend, and I feel I earned my money. He did have a couple good points. "The only proof she has is my cum in her pussy," and "How can you fucking rape the willing?" It's this last point that brings us to the next story.

During the middle of last week, a junior high school teacher in Albuquerque was discovered to have a sexual relationship with one of her students. That's right, a woman teacher and a seventh grade boy were doing the nasty. Every teenage boy's fantasy. Apparently, they would watch Transformers in her ex-husband's Ford Explorer at The Petroglyphs National Monument and heavy petting turned into taboo sex. She was quoted as saying "It was what he wanted." She is charged with three counts of criminal penetration, which to me seems a bit backwards.

As my friend in the cab would say "She fucking opened her legs, fool. Nobody forced anything on that fucking pussy, bro." I tend to go back to his potent philosophical paradox "How can you fucking rape the willing?"

If this was a male teacher, the public opinion is much more obvious. When you are the one with the penis, you are doing the penetrating. Believe it or not, if you don't want to have sex as a male and a woman is "forcing herself" on you, there are two options. A) don't get it up or B) cum so quick no one is happy. Criminal penetration by a woman? Seems like there should be another phrase for it.

Loooooooong story short, the teacher has been fired, the boy still anonymous (for now), and she lost her teaching license. No one seems to be upset with the parents of the boy who let him stay out until 5 a.m., but according to the teacher, he was more experienced than most 25 year olds. Who needs parents when you can score with women two and a half times your age?

What is the point of this disturbing column (you may ask if you are still reading)? We seem to have this habit of having sex with people we shouldn't. I know all about the urges and temptations of our sexual organs. I was a bachelor for 13 adult years. I put my pickle in the wrong jar a few times myself.

So here's a bit of simple advice that will solve these problems, and yes, it involves a bit of self control: Don't have sex with anyone until the third date.

That's it. I'm sure you all have questions to this simple and easy solution, so I will clarify a couple things. A date means going out IN PUBLIC with just you and the other person. If you are uncomfortable with being in public together (like say a teacher and student might be), then DO NOT have sex together. If the public eye embarrasses you when you're with someone else, sex is not a good idea. If you go out and come home and do blow together three times, you may have sex. Not just one time and not the day after you sleep with her friend. You will end up with paranoid false accusations and have to pay a cab driver a lot of money because your friend ditched you at her place on the other side of town. Don't believe me? Just ask my fucking friend, fool.

So that's it. My fiancee and I are fourteen years apart. I was never ashamed to go out in public with her, and we waited a whole month before having intercourse. Sure, we played around with each other, but we didn't go all the way until the third date. Trust me, sex always better between people who care about each other, and if it all goes well, you will get more sex than you ever thought possible. Because really, how can you fucking rape the willing?

Chris Jungle never scored with any of his teachers but got laid once because of cocaine.