1. Do not mention any candidate (P or VP) by name. This is the most obvious, but some people, for some reason, think you can talk about Tina Fey's dead on Palin impersonation without talking about politics. You probably shouldn't bring up SNL, either.

2. Don't discuss the economy. When the government starts buying up bad bank debt with tax payer money, these two things are interlinked. In fact, you probably shouldn't talk about the price of gas, even though it's been going down in the last month. Interestingly, this might be the first precipitous fall in gas prices during an October of a presidential election year NOT caused by oil companies trying to help out the Republican candidate.

3. Don't talk about race. Face it, we wouldn't be talking about it at all if Obama wasn't running, so just keep it zipped like we have since Guns N' Roses released "One In A Million."

4. Eschew talk about the Cubs choking in the playoffs again. Remember, Obama is from Chicago.

5. Stay away from mentioning the colors red or blue. Or saying "independent" in casual conversation. No one is really independent. Anyone who claims this is lying and obviously wants to tell you exactly who they are going to vote for.

6. Refrain from commenting about the number of local small businesses closing or mysteriously burning up in early morning fires.

7. Talking about the weather won't work either, since global warming and alternative energy are heavily politicized subjects.

7. Drink heavily. You would not believe the number of guys who have reported strange and spontaneous one night stands from incredibly inebriated women who find themselves with nothing to talk about except getting out of their clothes. This is tricky, though, because you might find yourself drunk and really wanting to argue politics with a lovely young thing, only to find the subject makes them find someone else to do.

8. Sequester yourself until the election is over. This is extreme, but it will do the trick. Of course, it's no fun either. I'd say this might be a last resort, but even then you'll find yourself muttering to yourself or--worse--starting an argument with your television.

9. Meditate. I hear it works. But you never see these people out in public either.

10. Make a bet about how many people are going dress up like the Joker from this summer's The Dark Knight. But try not to make a side bet about how many people are going to dress like one of the candidates because of the obvious violation of rules by mentioning this. Seriously, though, I think there will be more Sarah Palin dress ups than the Joker. I actually see Sarah Palins everywhere RIGHT NOW, and Halloween is three weeks away. This has become one of the scariest autumns in recent memory.

Damn, it's near impossible to do this. Everything is connected to politics these days. We can't help it. I really haven't been watching the baseball playoffs (I've been forgetting they are on TV) or football. I find myself searching out CNN, even though I really don't want to hear it anymore. I ruminate about the meaning of "abuse of power," and wonder if there are any political leaders who haven't done this when they are in charge.

I'm tired. I need a break. But we have three more weeks. And we can't stop (no we won't stop).

Just imagine what kinds of bumper stickers we're gonna see if Obama wins this thing.

Matt Worley is unable to pay for pretty much anything without commenting that a dollar is worth five cents. It totally gets a laugh every time.