Every year there is a festival of sorts in Italy where everyone throws tomatoes at each other. I think it's a way to let off steam. Kinda like the running of the bulls in Spain.

But now there's a bigger danger than just getting smacked in the face by a juicy red fruit usually mistaken for a vegetable. You see, they might also get salmonella from their use of tomatoes as snowballs. Well, maybe not in Italy. But you won't be seeing any tomato throwing festivals in the U.S. anytime soon. Because those tomatoes might kill you.

Frustration and furor over the possible contamination of tomatoes with salmonella in the last few months only did one thing: they made people afraid of fresh fruits and vegetables.

I used to work with a couple of guys who refused to eat vegetables. They would order pizzas with no tomato sauce, because they couldn't stand the thought of eating processed tomatoes. But they did like BBQ sauce. There were many flaws to their logic, but I'm betting whoever they work and live with had to listen to them crow about their horrible eating habits this spring and summer. You see, they are suddenly geniuses.

Except for one thing: no one knows why 1200 people got sick. It might have been tomatoes. It might have been hot peppers. It might have been bad food preparation on the part of restaurants or the consumers themselves. It could have been a combination of things. And it might have been what happens every year in America: people get sick from eating mass produced food. Read Fast Food Nation, you'll swear off food for life.

I have to point out that no one died. And no one turned into a zombie.

Tomato growers are a little crazy right now. They lost millions, if not billions, of dollars in sales. This led one tomato sales manager to remark, "I guarantee in that time frame (the last few months) more than 1,000 people were injured slipping on a banana peel."

This is funny. And also the kind of thing that sends Americans into a frenzy. Because, didn't we fix this whole banana peel thing with amusing cartoons outlining the safety problems inherent with slippery fruit and littering? Haven't we inoculated everyone against randomly tossing banana peels where anyone--anyone!--could slip and hurt themselves? Aren't we past this, as a nation, a people, and banana consumers?

We must be vigilant against the encroachment of dangerous fruits and vegetables into our safe society. It affects our health. It affects our state of mind. In fact, it affects our very existence! We must battle this scourge with the same mindless ferocity we fight the war against drugs, terrorism and DWI!

If not now, when? If not when, where? If not where, then what are we gonna do about it?

Remember right after 9/11 when anthrax was getting sent to every freedom loving American?

And then it turned out to be "innocuous white powder." Hell, it wasn't even cocaine. Y'know, if it was cocaine, they would have really investigated those cases. Cause that's trafficking people! That's life in prison and whips every afternoon!

Can we calm down now? Can we realize that freaky things happen with so many people in the world? Can we just...

Bird flu! Bad meat! Smoking in movies! Pervs on every neighborhood corner! Broken glass in the street! The curbs are too high, you could break your ankle! The curbs are too low, cars could hop over them and plow over every pedestrian who thought sidewalks were safe!

Last night I was hit in the head by flying keyboard debris at the end of Unit 7 Drain's set. The band destroyed every instrument onstage, and even some of the stage itself. A guy standing next to me said, "This is stupid. They play an amazing set, and they break all their gear. Just childish."

At least they didn't throw contaminated tomatoes at us. And for that, I think we can all be thankful for our lives.

Matt Worley is going to Chicago for a few days, where he hears there might be ruffians about.