I still don't know how to listen to the voice mail on my cell phone.

Moving into my own place a little over a month ago changed a few things. One of them being the cell phone. I've always been against these things, and I can't say I've completely embraced the little rectangle of light metal. Or maybe it's metal-colored plastic. But, for the first time, it was a necessity. I'm still not settled on being settled where I am (if only because it's an apartment and who knows where I'll be in my life four months from now), so the idea of getting a new landline every time I moved seemed ridiculous. And the cell is about the same price as a landline with long distance.

I rarely take the phone with me, unless I'm expecting someone to call. And since I don't expect calls much, it usually stays sitting on my coffee table no matter where I go. The exception is band practice, and I actually became the obnoxious guy on his cell phone between songs one afternoon.

It made me feel dirty.

I get 700 anywhere minutes free (well, it's paid for, but I don't pay extra). Plus one number I don't have to pay any minutes on. And if the calls are at night or on weekends, they aren't counted against the 700. I don't know when night starts, and I don't count minutes. But I do get a bill.

In my first full month of service, I didn't get close to those 700 minutes. I used just shy of 200. A little over fifty night/weekend minutes. And almost a hundred to my free number (my brother, who I used to live with, and lives about four blocks away), which was probably a lot of one or two minute calls about where and when we'll meet up.

I have to pay for each text message, but I only get a few of those. I don't use it, and most of my friends know I don't want texts. It cost me sixty cents on my bill. It took me just a few seconds to type the last couple of sentences, but if I was trying to make a ten word text, it would take me a few minutes to tap out all the letters.

Texts make me feel dirty, too.

There is a camera on the phone. I don't think you can buy a phone without a camera anymore. This sucker was the bottom of the line for the service I got, so I guess it is now an inalienable right to have a camera on one's phone. I have yet to take a picture, and I'm not quite sure how. And I think it might cost me extra money, too.

So, basically, I have this little flip rectangle thing that makes noise every once in a while. I have to charge it every few days. And there are times when I wish I didn't have a phone at all, but mostly when someone calls in middle of the night (when this happened at the old house, I had the same feelings). It's kind of like those keychain electronic pets kids thought were the shit a few years ago. And then, eventually, threw away because they were so damn annoying or they broke.

I was kinda hoping everyone would see how ridiculous cell phones were before I actually had to get one.

But everyone still has one, and they mostly like them. I don't hear a lot of people complaining, and a few talk of jonesing for the latest and greatest phone/p.a./music player/internet connection/camera out on the market. So I guess these things aren't going away. Sigh.

I don't have a problem with voice mail. I would love to hear whatever it is people have left as messages to me, but even after following the directions, I can't do anything except leave myself a voice message I can't hear played back to me. I set up the voice mail box the first day I got the phone, but since then I haven't gotten it to do what I want it to do. Y'know, play back stored voice messages.

So I just call people back, since the phone tells me the person or number that called and left the message I can't hear.

Hopefully no one will leave me a message never to call them, because I won't be able to follow that direction without calling them back and asking what they want.

Matt Worley did not attend the "cell phone initiation potluck" offered by his phone company.