I've been warned all year: Your license is going to expire. I never renewed it because it isn't really going to expire until July 28 (two weeks from now). I've always waited until the expiration of something was somewhat eminent before taking care of business. I do the same thing with milk.

So ever since January, I've heard the phrase: Your license is going to expire. Usually this occurred when I bought booze or ordered a drink at a restaurant. They always ask for your license in my town when buying booze. It's a given. Not much for driving reasons, but a lot for buying booze. Go figure.

Even on my birthday at a pizza joint, the waitress said: Your license is going to expire. She didn't say Happy Birthday. She didn't say much else to me, come to think of it. I was beginning to think it was more important to get my driver's license renewed than have my birthday. That's pretty important.

Last week, I noticed there was a note on the cashier's window at Yellow Cab. It had my name handwritten on it. You never want a note from the cab company, handwritten or printed. It usually meant you owed them money, or you had to deal with some formality you forgot to get accomplished in the allotted time (and therefore owed them money). I opened the letter, and it began: Your license is going to expire. They wanted a copy of my new license when I got it. Good gracious, this was getting serious.

My brother and I went to a pub called The Copper Lounge a few days ago. The waitress exclaimed (say it with me): Your license is going to expire. I thought I'd be glib and replied that the eminent expiration was getting pretty exciting. She said "No, you don't understand. You can't get your license on the same day anymore. They mail it to you. It takes weeks!" Oh my goodness gracious, I've got to get my license NOW. I'm already behind!

I scooted over to the Motor Vehicle Department on Friday. I went to the first window and admitted "My license is going to expire." They sent me to the second window to wait. Picture and signature. They sent me to the third window to wait. Sure enough , you don't get your license anymore. You get an extension on a piece of paper, and "it is only valid for identification purposes when used in combination with the previous license." They told me I would get my new license in a couple weeks.

So now I walk around with my old license which hasn't really expired except that they punch a hole in it and my paper extension license. It's kind of a weird feeling. I decided to test the theory and bought wine. The guy laughed about it, saying that the paper license was only valid with the expired one. I commented that we get a little worse every time we try to get better.

So now, no one tells me: Your license is going to expire. Now they look at the paper license, then they look at the license with the hole, then they look back at the paper license, then they look back at the license with the hole, then they say "thank you" and give me the alcohol I request.

I guess I could make a point about illegal immigration or fake IDs or underage drinking, but for some reason, I don't have one. I do have a feeling that all of those things will continue, regardless of the new strategy.

An ID is an ID. Take it when you can get it. I used to be able to get my license renewed and given to me in one day, and no one would warn me about it expiring. Now I jump through one more hoop and wait two weeks. Now I have a paper license and a license with a hole in it. Together, they are the equivalent of a new license. Apart, they are worthless. Like some strange super spy IDs, they give me the power to buy booze while my new license is manufactured in some laboratory.

My new license will be valid until 2016. That year, people will warn me that it is going to expire. Again.

Chris Jungle got his first and only fake ID at age 18.