Okay, I don't really understand it, but I'm going to get $300 from the federal government as an economic stimulus payment. It has something to do with my "net income tax liability" which I don't quite comprehend, and yet don't care enough about to figure out. A lot of people are going to get $600 from the government, but I only get $300. Fine. I'll go out into the world and find a way to make another $300 without the government's help.

But what can I stimulate for $300? I can buy 75 gallons of four-buck gasoline. I can pay my electric and gas bills for a couple months. I can even go all out and get my girlfriend's car fixed. These hardly sound like stimulating ideas.

Maybe I should think arousal. $300 worth of porn. Some magazines, a few DVDs, maybe a toy or gadget. Nah, I knocked up my girl the old-fashioned way, and really, if she just gives me a little affection, all is well. Sorry, no strip clubs or escorts for me. For $300, it seems like I could have gotten a couple hours worth of affection as long as they touched me and I didn't touch them.

Maybe I should think about the presidential campaigns. Maybe I shouldn't. McCain has millions thanks to a rich wife from the booze industry, and Obama made millions from his book of hope. They have millions, and I already have hope and booze.

What about those less fortunate than me? What about charities? Well, considering that I'm getting half as much stimulus as the average bear, I'm probably considered the less fortunate in the first place. Again, what would the poor spend $300 on? Hope and booze.

The more I think about it, the more this whole thing seems like a scam. The government wanted everybody to report their taxes this year. They made a big deal about if you file, you'll get a check later. Personally, I think they wanted everybody on the books. If you were willing, they would even have the account numbers to your bank. They kept dangling that $600 in front of everyone, saying 'Come on, eat the carrot.' I'm not big into conspiracy theories, but I also don't think the government is really out for my best interests. Case in point: my check is only $300. Not in my best interests at all.

When it's all said and done, I have no idea how I'll spend the $300. We have to pay more for the same old stuff, with few alternatives on the immediate horizon. Gasoline is up, natural gas is up, even electricity is going up in my town. Food and drink prices are up. There are probably 300 food items that have gone up a buck in their price that I will buy. Stimulating, isn't it, this check we get?

Will I refuse the check? Of course not. You don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Of course, considering that I paid more than a thousand dollars in taxes last year, I already paid the government four times the amount they are giving back to me. They could have saved a lot of time and paper by just cutting me a break with taxes in the first place.

But I don't want to be the guy who complains about taxes. I really don't make a lot of money, so the fact they aren't giving it back to me just proves the point that we don't get along. I'm a name and number in the machine, and the less they notice it, the better.

I will say this: I am not stimulated by this paltry display. I've made more money acting in a play than what the government is giving me. I don't know how I spent that money either. As we always say in the theatre world, it's gas money. How true, how true.

Really, this is all gas money. It's not that gas went up a dollar in less than a year. It went up a dollar a gallon! So really, gas went up ten to twenty dollars a fill up. While airlines and truckers and cabbies (like me) keep paying directly to the mother ship, the oil companies continue their record profits for the same oil they've had ready to go for a while.

This isn't like the 1970s when there were shortages of gas. I have yet to go to a gas station that is sold out. They keep telling us about supply and demand. Well, demand is down over the last year in America, the supply appears to not be a problem, and the price keeps going up. What is so great about this gas of ours, anyway?

Raise your hand if you voted for oil man, war starting, Katrina bungling President Bush. Keep your hands high, so we can see them. I bet those with their hands raised will receive $600 checks from the government. Conspiracy? Nope. Just another case of the rich getting richer.

Happy Stimulus, America! Try to keep getting up.

Chris Jungle never knew he had a net income tax liability.