We have all gotten them. Either a traffic violation in the mail or some invoice saying you owe money or the random 'pay us now' from a vague source. This week I had to deal with two fees & fines which I thought were unnecessary. The first was a $95 fee for refurbishing my girlfriend's old apartment which she vacated last month, and the second was a $200 photo ticket that stated I was speeding on the Interstate in my cab, going 71 m.p.h. in a 55 m.p.h. zone. That's $295 for nothing really tangible, and I didn't want to pay them. Want to know how I did, dear reader? If so, read on.

On Monday, my girlfriend and I decided to tackle the moving out fee. Although she had paid $115 in deposits, she received a bill saying that her apartment complex spent $210 cleaning and repainting her studio. This meant we were supposed to pay them $95. I helped her move out, and I'll admit we did a tertiary job of cleaning. I didn't expect to get the deposit back. The floor needed a shampoo and the place could use another round of cleaning.

The itemized break down stated they paid $40 for cleaning, $45 for shampooing, $8 for drip pans, and $125 for painting. I had no complaints on anything but the painting. Not only did it seem excessive in price, but I didn't think the place needed a new paint job at all. We called the renter's rights group, and they told us to look on a web site to understand our rights. Sure enough, it stated that repainting came under normal wear-and-tear and was the responsibility of the landlord. Armed with our printed out rights, we went to the complex Monday morning.

The landlady stated that the paint damage did not fall under normal wear and tear and produced a photo of one stain on the wall. I stated that it absolutely did fall under normal wear and tear. She said it didn't, and that she could produce more pictures. I said 'Please do.' She did not. I said that $95 was not a tremendous amount of money, but we were willing to proceed further on this issue if necessary. My girlfriend said that was when she twitched.

I then said I had no issue with the cleaning bills or drip pans, and that refurbishing of the studio should add up to $115 (the amount of the deposit). We didn't want any money back, but we didn't want to pay them anything either. After crunching numbers on her calculator for no good reason, she said that was acceptable. I shook her hand and said I appreciated it. I saved $95. Hooray!

On Thursday, I had to go to cop court about the traffic ticket. This was a little more dicey, as I didn't have any driver's rights printed out on a piece of paper. It was my word versus a computer. If you haven't had the pleasure of receiving a speeding ticket in the mail, count yourself lucky. In my town, we have red light cameras and speeding vans taking pictures. You don't find out there is a violation until a couple weeks later.

In over five years of cab driving, I have received only one other photo ticket. It was for supposedly for driving 24 m.p.h. in a 15 m.p.h. school zone. I wrote about this in an earlier column. There were no children in the picture and no evidence of the school zone being activated. The cop scratched his face repeatedly with his middle finger, basically flipping me off, and I was ordered to pay the ticket.

This time around, I knew that I was defending myself to the cops, not a judge or jury. I also knew that you can't debate a computer. My defense was going to be humanity. Not only did I have to assume much of the information that the computer stated, but being a cab driver with passengers at the time, there were many human elements that had to be taken into account. Momentary distractions, sun glare, safe distance from any other cars (my cab was the only car in sight on the freeway in the middle of town!). My trump card was to say my girlfriend was pregnant, and that we could use all the $200 we could get. The goal was to get a little pity and guilt from cops.

All of this was iffy, but for $200, I figured I would at least get my say before paying it. On Thursday morning, I dressed up in a sport jacket and tie and went downtown. First, I went to the wrong complex all together. Then I went to the correct complex but wrong building. Then I went to the right building & complex & suite but wrong room. I entered the hearing room at 11 a.m., exactly when I was supposed to be there.

They called my name and I sat down ready for battle. The "judge" lawyer said "Before we get going, we are willing to say you were going under 65 m.p.h. and will lower your fine to $100." I took the deal without delay and promptly went on my way. I saved $100. Hip hip hooray!

So there you have it. Instead of $295, I have to pay $100 because of showing up to do a little bitching. Well worth it in my eyes. These days, it seems everyone wants another dollar out of you for food & gas & this & that & the other. It might be worth your while to occasionally say 'Hey, I don't want to pay!'

Chris Jungle promptly went out and bought $67 worth of groceries in celebration.