To put it most politely, I'm a moody man. You could say I have split personalities. You could also say I'm characteristically amorphous or a chameleon. Or you could just say 'That's just like Chris.' Ever since I was a kid, I had this urge to transform into whatever people wanted. If you've ever tried to be a geek, nerd, jock, prep, punk and hick at the same time, that's kind of what it was like for me as a kid. What I really became was a freak.

When I was twenty-six years old, I discovered the theatre. I had done a little acting here and there before then, but I realized while helping out at a local theatre that acting allowed me to utilize my range of erratic emotions. I'm not the most dashing man in the world, but over the last seven years, I've acted in fifteen plays and directed five. It was fair to think I was getting pretty decent at the craft. I had performed roles with German, Irish, English, Australian & Texan accents. I've had buzzed to dangling hair, and a plethora of different looks and styles. I received praise by the local critics for my work in plays, and I'm generally respected in the theatre scene. I considered myself a quality character actor.

I also have an agent, who I assumed would get me auditions for the burgeoning film industry in my dusty town. I've gotten a handful of auditions and one call back, never landing a role. Maybe it was my agent's fault. Maybe it was my silly head shot. It couldn't be my acting, could it?

Last Sunday, I attended my first film audition workshop, done by a couple regional casting directors for the price of one hundred bucks. They were nice old ladies with plenty of stories. They worked on movies like Silverado & Logan's Run, and TV shows like "Walker Texas Ranger" & "Friday Night Lights." We got our own sides to learn briefly and had mock auditions. Unlike real auditions where they tell you very little, they explained what was good and bad about each performance.

My public persona (these days) is very polite and well-spoken. Not exactly stiff, but very straight. I thought this would work well for film. It. Does. Not.

Most casting directors tell you not to act in auditions. Just be yourself. Natural. The problem is that when you have a multitude of ways of being, you're not sure what natural is anymore. At the first break, I asked one of the ladies this question 'You keep telling us to be natural, but this is how I am. What do I do?' She responded that we needed to come up with a new strategy.

Be less than me. Talk faster. More subtle. Hold back.

After my second reading, they thought I did much better. They commented that I needed to work on my facial reactions as I came across very stiff. When I saw the tapes, I instantly realized (along with everyone else) that I had a crooked mouth for my entire read. I was concentrating so much on being less than me with my voice, I didn't even think about what my face might be doing. I walked away from the class thinking I still had much to learn about screen acting and the art of being less than me.

The next evening, I had rehearsal for a play I'm in called "Raised In Captivity." I play Kip, a disillusioned dentist who becomes an artist. After the first scene, the director asked 'What happened to all those disgusted looks you were doing in the graveyard. You're way too subtle now.' I didn't tell him I took a film audition class the day before, as theatrical directors tend to take any other training as a personal front to their own teachings. I have since gone back to playing everything big & bold & more than me.

So there's my current dichotomy. Theatre needs me to be more than my natural self while film wants much less. This may sound hard to grasp for you, but imagine how it makes me feel. I'm not even sure what my natural self really is. Looking back throughout my life, I'm not sure if I've ever known.

As this Oscar month goes on, you'll hear a lot about this amazing performance, that actor's personal life, and the death of Heath Ledger. They'll talk about glamour and style, grit and determination, and, of course, the winners & losers. They won't say much about process and preparation, or how maddening the journey of an actor can be. It's all happy Hollywood endings or nothing at all.

But it's not easy, this acting thing. After seven years of study, I know I still have a long way to go. If I keep at it, however, I might even discover what it is to be the natural me.

Chris Jungle tries to be whatever you want.