Welcome to Recession--American Style! While pundits argued and debated whether the big 'R' was really happening, your friendly columnist gave you the heads up from the streets a month ago. Being the bearer of bad news is never pleasant, but it's better to get it out of the way and move on.

It appears that the rise in gas prices, which caused transportation prices to rise, which caused food, goods and service prices to rise has finally caught up with the American people. Not to mention an off-the-books war & tax cuts for the uber-rich. Now with the stock market "correcting" itself, even the rich are feeling the pinch. Shall we shed a tear? We shall not.

Now Washington feels the need for a stimulus package, which sounds something like financial Viagra. Can't we get it up anymore? Maybe if you just relax, it will go up by itself. Of course, being Americans, we cannot wait! We must be able to get it up whenever we want and keep it up forever!

What did the Bush Administration come up with to save us? Another round of checks (and probably some tax breaks for corporations that no one has noticed). Up to $600 for every tax paying American citizen.

So let me get this straight, if you don't pay taxes, you're probably on the dole or cheating the IRS in some way already. If you pay taxes, you will get a check back, which covers a portion or all of the taxes you pay the government in the first place. Hmmm, sounds like everyone is on the dole these days.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think checks from the government are a good thing. Instead of trillion dollar tax cuts (which never seem to trickle down to me), we should be splitting up the rebates relatively equally among all of us. Instead of a trillion dollar tax cut, you could give every man, woman and child in America $3000 dollars (and still have 100 billion to spare). When you narrow that down to tax payers, you save even more money from your initial trillion. While I will not turn my nose up at a $300-$600 check, I can't say the current stimulus package will get me financially hard again.

Let's look past the checks for a moment. Let's look at financial responsibility. Not only did our government turn a blind eye to rising gas prices, but it has done nothing to enhance alternative fuels to offset our addictive needs. After watching There Will Be Blood, I'm pretty sure I can say President Bush isn't an oil man (he isn't that shrewd), but I can say he knows all the oil men. He let them run rampant on his watch. Then, there's Congress. They are going after steroids in baseball with much more vigor than the rising costs of antiquated energy. What exactly is the legislative branch's priorities these days? Oh right, it's to raise money for re-election.

This economic stimulus package is really retroactive. If they already had the money to give to us, why didn't they do it in the first place? When it comes down to it, it's really just a bribe, and you have no choice but to accept it.

Bush began his presidency by giving us all a check in 2001. He is now ending his presidency by giving us all a check in 2008. Basically, we get a few hundred bucks from the administration that brought you two wars with no foreseeable end, doubled energy costs, and a face and foolish sound bites we had to endure for eight straight years. How did this guy get re-elected? Oh right, oil money.

So cash your checks, America. You earned it. So did I. Take the bribe. Just don't turn a blind eye to why we are getting it.

Chris Jungle can be bought for reasonable prices.