So Todd Palin, husband of Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, has been anointed the "GOP's favorite stay-at-home dad" by Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts of the Washington Post. Okay, so he's #1. Is there a #2?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Yeah, whatever. The Reliable Source isn't known for keeping its tongue in place. And, to be fair, stay-at-home dads are becoming more and more common. There are probably a couple Republicans in the bunch. Maybe three.

Still, among the stranger portions of the Palin hagiography has been the description of her husband as a card-carrying union member and stay-at-home dad. Often in the same sentence.

So when I heard that Todd Palin was a member of a stay-at-home dad union, I thought to myself, "That's so cool! I've got to join!"

My three-year-old is working toward sleeping through the night without soiling himself. He's to the point where he wakes up with an imminent eruption. On Friday morning, I helped him pull down his Pull-Up and received a soaked face in return.

So plank #1 in any collective bargaining agreement is that Mom handles potty training when she's home. We spend all day with the crap. It's Mom's job when she's around.

Number two is pretty straightforward: No bitching about the beer. Mom is not allowed to complain about the quantity purchased, stored in the fridge or consumed on any given evening. Stay-at-home moms may have their chardonnay, but there's a need for "Daddy's 12-ounce helper," too.

Mandating a 40-hour work week is simply a nonstarter. Indeed, even a 60-hour week isn't realistic. Most stay-at-home parents are on full-time parenting patrol 70 or 80 hours a week, and many go further than that.

What we need isn't an hour limit, but more of a free-time guarantee. Let's say we get 10 hours of unfettered "I don't care what you do" time per week. Depending on the dad, this might range from a couple poker nights to a serious video game binge. I'm partial to bourbon and a crackling bit of crime fiction (Hiassen, Leonard, Pelecanos, Connolly, etc.), though I'm not opposed to a couple hefes and a French new wave flick. The thing is, this time is our time. No complaining about how we spend it.

So that's #3. Number four would be no whining about the kids. Whining would have to be strictly defined as statements like "How did we get such spoiled kids?" or "Little Timmy is such a brat that I can't believe he has any friends" and the like. All kids have issues and parents have to deal with them forthrightly. But that's a lot easier to do that if there aren't recriminations and insults right up front. Save those for after the beer has gone in the tank.

The last plank in my negotiations is even simpler: Don't forget that your husband is a man. You can take that any way you like, and implementation will necessarily vary (one couple's connubial bliss is another's forty years in the desert), but the guy isn't a nanny for hire. He's a parent, he's a husband and yes, he's a man.

To quote Kiss: "You know your man is working hard. He's worth a deuce."

I'm not sure who will be conducting the negotiations and how all the paycheck moms will react. I don't know how we'll pay our dues, given that paycheck deduction isn't an option. And there's the simple fact that if negotiations break down, strike is not an option. Child abandonment is a felony in most jurisdictions, and I can't think of any stay-at-home parent who would ditch their kids for some minor change in living conditions.

Then again, these five points also would work well (with some minor tailoring) for stay-at-home moms. Maybe what we need is a stay-at-home parent union.

Wouldn't that just chafe the GOP something serious? The paragons of family virtue voting in union representation and demanding a better deal is the sort of national nightmare that just might give Dr. Dobson a heart attack.

So, yeah, I guess that it's a damned good idea. I nominate Todd Palin to be the first president of the Parental Educational Engineers Union (Pee-U). I'd be happy to volunteer my services as chair of local chapter 666, Takoma Park, Maryland. Give me a card and tell me where to sign.

Stay-at-home parents of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but the piss running down your faces!

Jon Worley is happy to report that most days he scores four for five on his planks, which is more than enough to make life plenty pleasant.