A lot of folks have been dishing the Spitz shvitz this week. The Washington Post style section has had a field day, what with psychobabble, pimp babble, madam babble and MILF babble. There was the particularly amusing story about how a certain "Kristen" has caused the breakup of innumerable "excellent" relationships. That stuff has been a scream. But some of you may have more important questions. It's time for a sensitive guy (ahem) to take a turn.

Q: That's Kristen? She looks so ordinary. If I passed her on the street, I wouldn't think twice about her. How does she get a grand an hour?

A: She gets the money because she does the job (duh). As for her relatively pedestrian appearance, it does seem apparent that she has (as Monty Python might say) huge tracts of land. That carries a lot more weight than you might want to think. And in any case, she's got a pretty face, even if it does tend toward the plain the more photos of her one sees.

Q: Why would he step out on his wife? She's a babe!

A: This doesn't have anything to do with the wife. Ask Christie Brinkley. The relative hotness of a spouse has nothing to do with this sort of thing. The need to conquer new territory, on the other hand, is more to the point (see "huge tracts of land" in previous question). Some guys need to poke their pecker in a new hole every few weeks. I've have a couple good friends who were this way. They were very good at picking up willing women, and marriage didn't do much to slow them down. I don't understand this behavior, and they don't understand mine. It does seem to be hard-wired somewhere, though.

Q: So you're going with the "evolution excuse."

A: At its most basic, natural selection means that the male who has the most offspring by the largest number of females will pass along more of his genes to the next generation. Which is to say that the future may look a lot like Shaquille O'Neal. But more to this question, it does make sense that some guys are able to handle this sort of impulse better than others. To put it more crudely, Spitz didn't handle it nearly enough. He outsourced the job.

Q: You're saying that every guy wants to bang beautiful women instead of a committed partner?

A: Every straight guy would be quite happy banging beautiful women in addition to a committed partner--as long as there was no grief involved. Most guys, though, don't have the cash to buy expensive hookers. As for affairs, those seem to be about something other than sex per se--any quick perusal of the Springer archives ought to prove that the "other woman" is rarely as attractive (relatively speaking, as we are talking about Springer) as the spouse. Affairs are an entirely different beast. I'm speaking from a complete lack of experience here, but it seems to me that an affair would have an emotional component, whereas banging a hooker has merely a frictional component.

Q: My husband got called away this afternoon to testify in front of Congress tomorrow. Should I be worried?

A: Yes. Congress almost never does any serious work on Mondays.

Q: That little @#%#$!

A: I hope that's not a pet name.

Q: What about the wife? How could she stand up there?

A: I dunno, though I gather that her full name is taken from a Teutonic warrior or goddess or something. Seems to me that anything Teutonic should be able to pretty much squeeze the life out of anything.

Q: So you're saying Spitz is gonna get Bobbitted?

A: Unless part of their "deal" was him videoing himself with these women because the wife got off on that.

In other words, he'd better have invested in a bulletproof codpiece.

Q: Aren't we making too much of this? Isn't this just another silly man getting caught with his pants down? When are we going to learn that these things happen all the time?

A: In reverse order: We already know these things happen all the time. Of course this is just the latest "I wanna be like Ron (Jeremy)" commercial. Sure we're making too much of this--but you have to admit, the New York Post's "Ho No!" headline is an instant classic.

Q: When will we get over the Spitz Shvitz?

A: The Pope is coming to Washington next month. If he stays at the Mayflower Hotel, you can bet there will be an APB put out on "Kristen."

Jon Worley has been highly entertained by the Spitz shvitz coverage.