No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President
The Constitution of the United States
Article II
Section 1

Sen. Barack Obama's campaign announced he would co-sponsor legislation introduced yesterday by his political ally Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.) to ensure that John McCain can become president, even though he was born in the Panama Canal Zone. Washington Post, 2/29/08

This is absurd stuff. John McCain was born to two American citizens. He was a citizen by birth. That's natural born. Has to be. Any questioning of that is insane.

Or maybe not. My neighbor (about five houses away) Tom Perez ran for attorney general here in Maryland in 2006. The main electoral requirement for the job is that you have lived in and practiced law in the state for at least ten years. Residency was no problem. And Tom worked in the Justice Department under Bill Clinton and practiced in Maryland courts as a member of the D.C. bar, the sort of reciprocal agreement that is common between bars of adjoining states.

Unfortunately, Tom joined the Maryland bar after his time in the federal government--less than ten years before he ran for attorney general. As the election approached, someone sued. Three weeks before the primary, the Maryland Supreme Court decided that the legal electoral standard for "practicing law" was membership in the state bar, a decision decried by most objective observers. Don't shed any tears for Tom, though. The new governor appointed him Secretary of Labor. He's just fine.

But the question doesn't seem so crazy, after all. Look at the current Supreme Court. There are four "strict constructions" justices who might read the Constitution, well, strictly. And it isn't hard to imagine one of the other five voting politically rather than legally--anyone remember the 2000 election?

How strict do we want to go with this whole "natural born" thing? There's what I was taught in social studies, which is that you have to escape your mother's womb while she has at least one foot inside the United States. Indeed, anyone born here--even to non-citizens--is automatically a citizen. That would exclude McCain. I don't think this is right; in fact, I think we ought to amend the Constitution to allow naturalized citizens to run for President.

But let's imagine the justices don't agree with my liberal notions. And let's imagine that some hard-core "conservative" Republican sues (the Democrats won't, for obvious reasons). It could happen. Like well-trained Communists, there are plenty of dingbats on the right who want to excommunicate anyone who refuses to dogmatically adhere to a particular notion of "conservative" orthodoxy. They might well hope for a Supreme Court ruling that kicked McCain out.

What might the justices decide? For starters, anyone not born on American soil is right out. I mean, come on. It says right there: "natural born." McCain is toast. Case closed.

But let's look at that word "natural." In common parlance, a natural childbirth is one that eschews drugs or much of any medical intervention. Obviously, anyone born by c-section isn't "natural."

Likewise, anyone whose mom chooses an epidural is likewise eliminated. Drugs aren't natural. Aren't we supposed to Just Say No to drugs, anyway? Time to put that to the test. If your mama was an opiate junkie, if only during labor, you shouldn't be president.

And what about other forms of assistance? Do we really want a president delivered by forceps? Those things can leave bruises that last a month or more. There's no telling what happened to the brains of babies squeezed by the salad tongs. Those folks are completely unfit for the presidency.

Same goes for anyone delivered with the dread "baby vacuum." This is a cup attached to the top of the baby's head after crowning. Mild suction is applied and the kid is (sometimes) pulled out. Leaves a ring on the head. You never know what sort of subconscious trauma that would leave. Can we risk a president going batshit at some international conference because a maid whips out a Dust Buster at a sensitive moment? I think not.

And since life begins at conception these days, we have to eliminate anyone who owes his or her existence to fertility treatments. I think "artificial" insemination (test tube) speaks for itself. And using fertility drugs or getting basted by the sperm (or fertilized eggs) of an anonymous donor? Do we really want a president conceived under those circumstances?

How about the women who use breast implants or other sorts of cosmetic surgery to entice men into bed with them. The men are responding to something that is not natural. The sex is not natural. The resulting child can never reside in the White House.

Then there is "unnatural" sex. Most of these acts do not lead to conception, but I think anyone conceived doggy-style or reverse cowgirl is just not fit to lead this country. All mothers should be compelled to list the sexual position of conception--and if they can't swear it was strict missionary, man-on-top, then those children shall forever be barred from running for president.

It's only fair, really. The Constitution itself says "natural born." Particularly in a time of war, America must ensure that it remains all natural.

Jon Worley is a forceps baby. But you guessed that years ago, of course.