There are new threats to our nation, and they are called Weapons of Unusual Lethality.

I'm not sure what these things are, but if, somehow, someone or some company somewhere here in our great land found a way to manufacture and sell them, well, they can be assured of a fight. Of course, they will have those weapons of unusual lethality, which might make it a pretty tough fight.

But Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney has taken a stand against the possibility of this new scourge. There might come a time in our great nation when we have to ban something that looks like a gun, but is really a weapon of unusual lethality. And those are the weapons he is against. Even with his lifetime membership to the NRA, he will not hesitate to sign something that would make these monstrous weapons illegal to possess and sell. If, y'know, someone comes up with a bill against these weapons of unusual lethality. Otherwise, he's totally for guns.

And, I'm pretty sure most of the other Presidential candidates would take this stance as well. Because if someone has something unusually lethal, well, we are totally screwed.

As someone with no official capacity to do anything about this problem, I will be on the lookout for these weapons of unusual lethality. Assuming I don't get shot by them on my investigations, I'll even let you know what they are.

But they aren't weapons of mass destruction, we are pretty sure of that.

While I was not really learning about these unusually lethal weapons (does that mean they kill something twice or more times? are there safeties? can you put it into regular lethal mode?), an Amber Alert came crawling across the bottom of the TV screen.

In the last couple of weeks we've been having winter weather (even though it's not actually winter yet), which means winter weather warnings and the like. This is what I'm used to seeing crawl across the bottom of the TV screen. Usually it says we have a pretty good chance of snow--as I watch it snow through my front window. But this morning we got an Amber Alert.

I've never seen an Amber Alert crawl across the screen before. This one was a doozy. A six foot, hundred and eighty pound Hispanic male with tattoos on his shaved head apparently has made off with a four year old, three foot tall, 140 pound young boy. And just in case you might not have noticed this cannonball of a child, he's also got two pierced ears with gold ball earrings. Danglies, I think they call them.

I'm thinking our entire community should have to spend a day in jail if we don't find this pair. I mean, how can you hide a three foot tall, 140 pound child? With freakin' pierced ears! And gold danglies!

I kept thinking they were going to update the description of the child, but no. He stayed that size. And he still had his pierced ears.

All I can say is, son, you really need to stay off the steroids. You don't need them. They'll ruin your life. And Andy Pettitte knows this.

He was unfortunate enough to succumb to peer pressure a few years back. He really wanted to help his team out. And his elbow really hurt. Somebody (not saying who) told him that if he took human growth hormone (HGH), his elbow would heal faster and he'd be able to help his team. Which is, of course, the only reason professional athletes play the game. It's all for the good of the team. It has nothing to do with millions of dollars, free pussy on road trips and grrrreat (wink wink) health care. After two days on HGH, Andy saw the light and stopped.

You see, this is all a misunderstanding. Sure, eighty something baseball players got named over the last few days by the Mitchell Report, but we haven't heard their side of it. I'm sure they all just tried it out, like when we all drink too much at wine tastings, and then realized it wasn't worth it.

I'm going to follow Andy's lead and let you all know something. Since there have been no charges or an indictment or even bad press about my past, I need to clear something up. Something many of you might find hard to believe, but it's the truth. As far as any official reports say.

I have never, ever smoked pot. Or had more than the legal drinking limit (which is, approximately, 0.08 blood alcohol level if I plan to drive or 0.14 if I'm just walking around). Or driven after drinking. Or puked on my way home from a party. Or bought underage kids cigarettes or alcohol. Or done mushrooms or coke or acid or anything that was made illegal before my birth.

In fact, if it wasn't for this sore elbow, I could totally pitch tomorrow.

Matt Worley is a stand up citizen of the first degree.