For a few years now I've kept my feet warm during the winter with furry animal slippers. They are cheap, made in China and come in various shapes and foot sizes. Usually they last a couple of years before the bottoms wear out or just get so disgustingly matted and dirty they have to go. Because I was around the house a lot last winter, the bottoms of my furry animal slippers (blue grey and shaped like monster feet) wore through. I taped them up with duct tape last year, knowing I'd have to buy new ones this winter.

Furry animal slippers have been on my shopping list for a month or so now, but I haven't been able to find any my size. No large (11-12) men's furry animal slippers to be found. Anywhere.

Okay, you can find some. Here's my problem with the ones I found when they were first put on the shelves at my neighborhood discount store: the foot holes were the mouths of the characters. Gives new meaning to foot jobs, huh?

I mean, would you put your feet into the mouth of Homer Simpson or a bulldog? It's disgusting, and I'm not gonna have any of it. So I passed when I saw these, figuring I'd find more acceptable footwear soon.

Furry animal slippers are crowd pleasers. Maybe people who authorize the production of these things don't know this. They look at their balance sheet and figure it's a fringe market. They think most men wouldn't want to wear furry animal characters on their feet in the winter. Or they have no sense of humor. Or maybe they think men want to be dignified--I only say this because the vast majority of slippers for men look like Sunday morning shoes, except made out of softer material.

Obviously they haven't been paying attention to what popular commercial culture says about American men: that they are twelve year olds in older, sagging bodies. What kind of slippers would a guy who is more excited about the mountains turning blue on his beer bottle than his wife confirming her pregnancy wear? Or one who thinks making dinner consists of calling the pizza guy? Or anyone who would buy one of those ridiculously meaty burgers with enough calories to keep a body going for a couple of days? Or, even one who listens to his obviously coached young son about retirement and life insurance?

I don't think these guys are trying to be dignified about anything, so why would they want slippers that look like straight shoes?

Okay, so I'm not really mainstream. I don't have a cell phone or a game player or a car less than five years old. I don't have a mortgage or credit card debt. I don't have a wife or kids. And I'm thirty-five years old. For a couple more months.

I don't like dressing up in costumes (I was not really in costume last night at the rock bars, but pretty much everyone else was--no one gave me shit though, because I looked like an indie rock Jesus, and maybe that's a costume in itself), but I like my furry animal slippers.

And I can't find any men-sized furry animal slippers anywhere. I bought a pair last week only to realize the L was a women's L when I got home (and then had to return them). I've gone online and the only ones I could find were $100 (and, I guess, made out of real animal fur), which is not cheap and probably not made in China.

So I retaped the bottoms of my couple years old furry animal slippers (that I bought for $10) yesterday. I've resigned to the fact that I might be one of the few men in America who wants to wear furry animal slippers. That, somehow, in the last few years, all the infantile men in this country have gotten together and decided that if they are going to be dignified about one thing in their life, it's gonna be their in home slipper wear.

Even though everyone loves my furry animal slippers. Kids, the postman, friends, girls and Jehovah's Witnesses. Anyone who comes to my door when it's cold out, they see my furry animal slipper covered feet and coo and giggle like they are really alive cute little puppies or kittens.

My only hope is that the men without a sense of whimsy who are now in charge of the production of cheap slipper wear for men will realize that if we're gonna have war and recession and nasty political elections and fires and floods and blizzards, well, maybe we should have plenty of furry animal slippers for men, too.

Matt Worley has had a furry animal one track mind lately.