Children always want to overthrow the government or their parents. Same thing, really.

In E.T., adults are faceless, threatening and hard to understand, much like the adults in Peanuts cartoons. The mother is not an adult, but rather a slightly more sophisticated adolescent trying to raise three kids. The kids are smarter and have more emotion, sympathy and foresight than any of the adults in the movie. Which is why it resonated so well with kids (myself included) at the time.

Watching it recently, I could feel the strings being pulled. I know why it was enthralling and thrilling and scary and devastating as a ten year old. But it plays like Home Alone now, except the government guys are the thieves. And the objective isn't defense of the home, but getting back to a place that feels like home. I didn't cry this time.

Unlike other movies I saw as a kid (most notably Star Wars), E.T. seems silly and disjointed now. Like huge chunks of the story are cut out, and we are left to try and figure out why things happened the way they did. Like, when the hell did the alien and kid make that psycho/physical connection? And what kind of single mother has a six pack of Coors on the easily reachable bottom shelves of the fridge? And isn't C. Thomas Howell ecstatic he wasn't cast as the older brother, since he ended up having a longer movie career than that kid?

Of course, there's also the fact that the alien looks like a stubby penis with some disease that should've been taken care of a few months back.

This is why I have no intention of seeing the reformed Van Halen (with David Lee Roth)--even though I wasn't able to see them live when they were together almost 25 years ago.

Not that I don't like the music--I still do. I even have a couple of Van Hagar albums on my iTunes. I still listen to the first six albums. Fair Warning is one of my favorite albums of all time. I'd say desert island top five if that wasn't such a stupid thing to say. No matter what five albums you'd love to have on a desert island, by the time you got away from the island (if you ever did), you'd never want to hear any of those five for the rest of your life.

Seriously, try it.

Listen to only five albums for two months. Don't listen to the radio. Stay away from any other music and only listen to those five albums. If you make it to the end of two months, I swear you won't want to touch those five albums for quite a while. If ever again.

Is this growing up? Is this the putting away of childish things? Is this being an adult?

Do I need more choices? Should I be strapped down to the table and lobotomized now (which would make it all easier and quite boring indeed)? Will there be a test at the end of it all?

I haven't taken a test for a while now. One of those written, multiple choice, spit back what I told you a day, week or month ago. Y'know, the school thing.

Metaphorical tests have been plenty, but then again, everything is a test.

Driving home from the rock n' roll bar after a couple of beers on a Saturday night. Not selling when prices are falling like rain during monsoon season and everyone else seems to be jumping out the window. Giving a straight answer to a crooked question.

You don't get medals for any of this. Or a piece of paper stating your proficiency. You don't even get praise. All you get is more shit.

Hell, every time I turn on the TV they tell me if I drink and drive I'll go to jail. No ifs ands or buts. And yet, unlike impossibly young and skinny chicks in Hollywood, I've never been pulled over when I've been drinking. Of course, I've never crashed into a stationary object while driving either.

And, to my benefit, I didn't sell out.

So if you ask me if E.T. is the best movie ever, I will say it was in 1982. And if you wonder why such a fan of the original Van Halen lineup wouldn't even consider paying to see them play their reunion tour, then you don't understand the immediacy of live music. Or the timelessness of a great album.

I'm not trying to establish superiority. I'm just telling you that, no, I haven't been drinking tonight officer. I've just been aimlessly driving around because my girlfriend dumped me, and all I've got left is this rock t-shirt.

Matt Worley didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Insert blithely obnoxious quote here.