Judge Michael Mukasey was confirmed to be the new Attorney General this week, replacing Alberto Gonzales. Mukasey received 53 yea votes and 40 nay votes, and seven Senators did nothing at all. Much of the hubbub about his confirmation process dealt with the issue of waterboarding. This has got to be one of the most absurd debates in recent history.

Is waterboarding torture? Should we be allowed use waterboarding as a way of getting information? What would you do in the case of waterboarding?

Mukasey said he didn't know what waterboarding was. The President said he couldn't find out until he had the job. Democrats were outraged, Republicans scoffed, and through it all, I never figured out what in the world waterboarding was. Someone said it simulated drowning. So it's like a head dunking? A swirlie? Is it like that scene in A Clockwork Orange? WHAT IS WATERBOARDING?

The issue is a dead one since Mukasey got confirmed, but I'm still a little baffled. I'm also forced to come up with my own ideas for what waterboarding is.

Motorboarding is when a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and makes the motorboard engine sound. It is very silly and works best if the woman has large mammaries. It's definitely not torture unless a woman's boobs are very sore. Waterboarding might occur when the woman pours salt water on the man's head while motorboarding to give it a real ocean feel. Still not torture, though.

It could be like Chinese Water Torture, where single drops of water keep dripping on a person, usually their forehead. This doesn't seem bad at first, but the repetition does eventually break down a person. This is torture. The big clue is in the name--Chinese Water Torture. Maybe waterboarding involves dripping water onto a board which a prisoner must hold on to, where each drop of water makes the board heavier until the prisoner cannot bear it any longer.

Then there's washboarding. That's when someone takes an old-school cleaning device and a spoon to create an entertaining percussion instrument, commonly played in bluegrass and country bands. Maybe waterboarding is where a prisoner is forced to play the washboard while partially submerged in water. This would become difficult, and then the prisoner would break down and tell his captors whatever they want to know. Not sure about the effectiveness, though.

There's also surfboarding, commonly called surfing. Maybe captors take their prisoners out to a place where there is no surf, but the prisoners are expected to try anyway. Again and again, a prisoner is expected to pop up on the board and fall into the glassy sea. The humiliation of falling would entertain the captors and embarrass the prisoner into telling all the secrets he knows. Maybe.

I'm with Mukasey. I don't know what waterboarding is either. I can't tell you if it's torture. I can't tell you if it's right or not. I don't know much of anything. Does that mean I'm qualified to be Attorney General of the United States of America? Maybe.

Do I think we torture our prisoners? Yes. Do I think it is beneficial and necessary for gathering intelligence? No. To quote Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs: "If you beat him long enough, he'll tell you who started the Chicago Fire. Now that don't necessarily make it fucking so!" Not to mention that most American soldiers don't speak Arabic and would have no clue if someone was telling them pertinent information. Maybe if we did that drowning simulation technique, they would learn how to speak English, and we would understand their babbling.

Did the Senate get to the bottom of anything? Nope. Did we figure out what waterboarding actually was? Uh-uh. Did Mukasey's non-answer ruin his chances at becoming Attorney General? No way. He got in anyway after a bunch of posturing and public ho-ha.

I am thoroughly convinced that if you want an office that needs Senate approval, the best way to get the job is to never answer any question they ask. That will make them respect you.

What is waterboarding? No comment.

Chris Jungle is learning how to forget everything.