I have said that I will take a holiday for just about anything. We used to get Washington & Lincoln's birthday off for school until they combined them into President's Day. What a gyp! Arbor Day, plant a tree. St. Patrick's Day, I think everyone's Irish. Hitler's Birthday, we should never forget, right? Columbus Day, um, well, colonialism is not so cool any more. With the rise of celebrations for Martin Luther King Jr., Cesar Chavez & Juneteenth, Columbus Day has been getting worse as time goes on, and it really isn't ol' Christopher C's fault.

Thanks to the holiday, I know that in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. The world was flat back then, but he cruised across the Atlantic Ocean on the Nina, the Pinta & the Santa Maria. He was looking for India and incorrectly assumed he found it in the Caribbean. That's why the Native Americans were called Indians. Eventually, a town called Cleveland took that name for their baseball team, and they are now in the playoffs hoping desperately for a World Series crown. It's strange how far we've come.

What's more amazing is the misinformation that came from Columbus' journey. They said he was the first to come to America. Obviously, this isn't true because people were already here. Okay, then he was the first European to find North America. Well, if you don't count the Vikings. Basically, other than blindly sailing off into the ocean, Christopher Columbus didn't really do anything amazing. He did discover that the natives had a cool plant called tobacco, which now plagues our nation with bizarre laws, regulations, taxes & law suits. It's strange how far we've come.

So the world isn't flat any more. The old world European money is worth much more than the American dollar. Every culture has been a part of the slave trade in one way or another thanks to America, and for some reason, every October 12 we say 'Columbus Day!'

To be fair, if Christopher Columbus didn't set out for India, someone else would have and actually did. There should be kudos for his bold exploration and moxie for getting royalty to fund his adventure. In that light, DaVinci, Galileo, and Armstrong should have their own day as well. Could you imagine the parties that would go on for Moon Day? Or would it be Moon Night?

It's not so much that we don't want to celebrate what Columbus did, but it's that it led to the cruel and unusual punishment that different cultures inflict on each other. The New World opportunity allowed every kook, religious nut, criminal and entrepreneur to set out for the land and claim Manifest Destiny. We conned and killed the Natives and took away their lands. We imported and enslaved Africans to do the Caucasians' bidding and still have racial disharmony to this day. Many of the problems we have in this country stem from the freaking first choices Europeans made when they arrived in America. On the plus side, we did get the coolest holiday ever in Thanksgiving--thanks to the Pilgrims.

I watched Apocalypto last week, and it was a reminder that it wasn't bliss in the Western Hemisphere before the Europeans arrived. Indian nations warred and enslaved each other. Those Mayans had some freaky deaky ways of living. Ol' Chris was just trying to make a living by finding a new trade route to India and stopped when he reached the first island he saw.

But really, what are we celebrating? Most of our American holidays have something to do with events that have happened since the 1776. Even Christmas wasn't a happening event until Americans starting doing it. What did Christopher Columbus do that we need to close the banks on Monday to commemorate? He wanted to prove the world is round, but he didn't. He proved the world is long. In fact, almost everything he was trying to prove was incorrect. You can't make it to India easily by going across the Atlantic Ocean. It was a major discovery to find the New World, but I think Thomas Edison & Benjamin Franklin had many better epiphanies.

Since I don't work at a bank or attend any celebrations, Columbus Day doesn't have a special place in my heart. I think it's a bit much to blame him for all the atrocities that followed his arrival, but I'm not sure how much we should praise him for his boat ride funded by Spanish royalty. If you gave me a few thousand dollars, you could blast me into space to look for little green men.

A holiday is a holiday, though. These days in America, a holiday doesn't even guarantee you get off work, and that's really what makes a holiday in my book. Happy Columbus Day, everyone! You know, we're all Indians now if you think about it.

Chris Jungle insists that the world is pointy.