I was helping to build the set for a play I'm directing at a local theatre last Friday. We had just finished hanging the two doors and were cleaning up. I stood near the green room when I heard a loud BANG! My eyes watered slightly. I turned around to see a large yet rickety door flat resting on my back. If I had been standing six inches back, the flat would have clocked me square in the head. Fortunately, it was more like getting hit in the back in football. I didn't even drop to the ground. This is the fifth play I've directed in the space but the first in over two years. For some reason, I felt that the theatre was asking me 'Where've you been?' I know the Dog Days of Summer have arrived:

When inanimate objects start communicating with you, you know the Dog Days have arrived.

When former major league veteran Jose Offerman charges the mound in a minor league game and beats the pitcher & catcher with a bat, it must be the Dog Days.

The stock market goes down over 300 points in the morning and gains it all back by the end of the day, it must be the Dog Days.

Hurricanes are coming. Dog Days.

Kids are going back to school. Dog Days.

The government is on vacation during the Dog Days.

Karl Rove quits during the Dog Days.

Retail businesses hire for the Christmas season when the Dog Days come.

Road rage drivers fire their guns when the Dog Days come.

Michael Vick is going to plead guilty to dog fighting before the Dog Days end.

Star running back are nowhere to be seen before the Dog Days end.

Pennant races in baseball start getting serious around Dog Day time.

College student start binge drinking around Dog Day time.

The days get shorter the longer the Dog Days last.

The nights get cooler the longer the Dog Days last.

The movies get lousier as Dog Days persist.

Television hypes a fresh batch of lousy shows as Dog Days persist.

This time of year brings out a touch of madness. Everyone's routine is shaken up, and all the things we thought to be reliable now don't seem that concrete at all. What is concrete is that the Dog Days happen every year, and there is nothing we can do to stop them. I don't know how many times I've already said 'Well, it's the Dog Days,' but my knowing about them doesn't change the wacky events from occurring.

We really are at the mercy of the changing months & seasons & weather patterns & man-made routines we have set up for ourselves. Could we change them if we wanted? I don't know. Is this just the natural order of things? Possibly. Should we embrace the bizarre or fight against the madness? It's difficult to say. I can't think straight during the Dog Days.

I could keep going, but by the time I came up with the Dog Days answer, it would already be Labor Day. The Dog Days would be gone for another year. I guess I should just keep on doing what I'm doing, and be thankful that the door flat landed on the beefy part of my back instead of square on my head. Maybe the goal of the Dog Days is just to survive them.

Chris Jungle writes formulaic columns during the Dog Days.