12.30.07
Don't wait 'til next year
by Jon Worley

I'm done with 2007. It was pretty shitty as years go, and I think it's time we simply flushed it down the drain. Let's get on with it and check out the 2008 highlights:

  • Another O.J. trial
    Hollywood loves sequels, especially when they're set in Vegas. Don't believe me? There's no other explanation for Ocean's Thirteen. I'm guessing there won't be DNA evidence at this one.
  • We will elect a new president
    I'm not going to make any predictions, except to say that Angelina Jolie will be this nation's first female president. She'll be 35 in three years. You do the math.
  • Someone will win the Stanley Cup
    And if it's the Carolina Hurricanes, I'll actually watch the playoffs on TV. Otherwise it's re-runs of "America's Top Model" all summer.
  • The movies won't suck
    Not as bad as 2009, anyway. Most of next summer's fare has been penned, and much of it has been shot. Once the strike is settled, writers will be forced to cut corners in order to get scripts ready for the big movies. Can you imagine writing a new Fantastic Four movie in two weeks? Er, that might be a bad example.
  • One of Britney Spears's brothers will get knocked up
    Like that would be any weirder than any other recent Spears family news.
  • The top-grossing music event will be Kiss's We Really Mean It This Time "final tour"
    Or maybe Aerosmith's Rusty Prostate tour. Perhaps some promoter will score some Jerry Garcia DNA off a discarded roach, clone the fat man and crank up the "Jurassic Dead" tour bus. Now that would be a long, strange trip.
  • Some network will pony up the cash for that cherished holiday tradition, the "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show"
    I'm not sure what's stranger, that TV execs think that models in underwear is appropriate early evening viewing fare or that only five million people ogled this year's installment.
  • Democrats in Congress will continue to put the "fun" back into funding the war
    Girl, you know it's true.
  • More Hollywood hotties will get pregnant
    Abstinence education's dark side continues to rear its ugly head.
  • The Patriots will not win the Super Bowl
    After the Michael Vick episode, you think the league will even consider giving New England a chance to go 19-0? I bet the refs for their games will be wired to the commissioner's office. Any Pats touchdown will be flagged for a personal foul.

    This is simply too depressing. I hope 2008 is much better than 2007, even if there's no Alberto Gonzales to kick around any more. Happy New Year, folks.


    Jon Worley will drink more beer in 2008.

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