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9.16.07 Things you don't need to worry about by Jon Worley The world is a troubled place. Some folks have problems obsessing over things that don't matter. I'd like to make sure they know it's okay to focus on the important stuff, like whether or not Britney's ass is bigger than mine--or yours. That's important. Damned important. This stuff is not:
'Cause, y'know, the Prez has it all figured it this time. "Sustainable security by 2009" sounds so, um...
Quoth the Maiden: If you're gonna die, you're gonna die.
See above.
It's frickin' Pakistan, people. It's not like those dorks have nukes or nothin'.
As Nancy Lord, acting chair of the Consumer Product Safety Commission put it last week in a hearing, we now rely on Chinese laws and regulations to govern whether or not there is lead in the paint that coats toys. The Chinese must have strict rules on this sort of thing, what with the one child policy and all.
We're merely witnessing the implosion of the residential housing market, the only thing that has kept the economy out of recession for the last five years. Definitely not important.
The last two times out, voters seemed to say "how bad could it be?" Not bad enough, apparently.
Okay, seriously, you don't have to worry about this one at all. Not the book, not the gat in the casino hotel room, none of it. It's time for Juice to get squeezed one last time.
Seriously, man, the Prez has it all under control. The "Surge" did its job and the troops are coming home. In 2009. Or 2010--the year we make contact. Or whenever.
Tutoring, test prepping, whatever. I may be showing my age, but I've been hearing "I got my kid into [pick a college] and now she's blowing it" way too much lately. Let the kids study for tests on their own. Let them apply to (and get accepted to) schools with as little parental input as possible. Let kids fail every so often. Otherwise, they'll never learn.
It's not like our entire existence is predicated on the presence (and diligence) of pollinators.
It must be all good; when was the last time you heard anything about Hamid Karzai?
Our houses are being built and our meat is being slaughtered and prepared by people who have no stake in the future of our nation. Seems to me people with hope of a future work harder to actually get there.
After a speech like last week's, how can you doubt the Prez? He's been right so many times before. Alright. Now that you know what you don't need to worry about, feel free to get back to trolling the web for the latest Lindsay Lohan rehab-setback photos. After all, the future of the world is at stake.
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