4.1.07
Wannabe
by Jon Worley

"Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably."
Heather Duke, Heathers

You just knew someone in the Bush Administration would come down with cancer once those folks saw how John Edwards' poll numbers jumped after his wife announced that her cancer had returned. Once again, though, the Prez bumbled the follow through. Tony Snow isn't continuing to work as he's being treated. He's taking a leave of absence to spend time with his family. What a wimp.

Actually, Snow's illness is something of a surprise change of strategy for the Prez and his pals. Most of the time, they're not copying the successes of others but rather implementing crazy new ideas that have little to no chance of working.

Whether ideas are new or pilfered, however, the botched execution is all too familiar. People are sorry that Elizabeth Edwards has had a recurrence of cancer, but the wide swath of good feeling that has flowed toward the Edwards campaign has some from her determination that the campaign must continue. Sure, there are plenty of folks on all sides of the punditry who question her decision, but the public at large seems to admire it. The simple fact is that Tony Snow blew this PR opportunity. He missed the message: We the people don't sympathize with cancer victims. We sympathize with cancer fighters.

So now what? The Prez's Snow-based cancer bubble has already popped. But since he's shown a willingness to follow rather than lead, perhaps he's casting about for some other public sympathy junkets. Let's see...

  • The Creepy Veep could develop bleeding in the brain, like that senator from South Dakota. I know, this sounds a lot like the movie Dave, but hey, that movie did have a happy ending. One problem: Lynne Cheney is no Sigourney Weaver.
  • If ol' Dick wanted something a bit more practical, he could undergo stomach stapling surgery like Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas. That has the double bonus of working on the Creepy Veep's massive gut and, unlike most of these other gambits, it would be stealing from a fellow Republican.
  • The Prez could go whole-hog and embrace the Globe magazine reports and whip himself up a sweet public affair. He's have to somehow commit some sort of impeachable offense in the process (too bad the Supremes declared sodomy legal a while back), but I'm sure his team could think of something. There's nothing like getting impeached for lying about sex to rejuvenate a presidential (not to mention personal appearance) career.
  • The ultimate, of course would be to get himself assassinated. Kennedy's numbers were trending toward the crapper in November 1963, and more than a few waggish historians have credited Lincoln's death with cementing his reputation--Reconstruction was a bitch. Just ask (the impeached) Andrew Johnson. Assassination (or simply death of any kind) tends to do wonders for anyone in the public eye.

    Chances are, though, the Prez would find a way to screw up these bullet-proof PR bonanzas. Rather than get assassinated, he'd decide to exit via auto-erotic strangulation. Or he'd lie about sex...with his wife. Or the Creepy Veep would start bleeding in his stomach--from ulcers. There's a delicate balance between eliciting sympathy and freaking people out. I'm not sure the Prez has figured that out yet.

    Oh well. He's got three more years. Anything's possible.


    Jon Worley will be checking his white blood cell count this week.

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