"So, Mr. Worley, you think you'd make a good attorney general?"

"Sure. Can't be any worse than who you've got in there, right?"

"Right...I mean, I'm not at liberty to say."

"Right."

"I'm looking over your application and CV and I don't see any law school or legal experience of any kind."

"That's right. I didn't think that was really important."

"The job title is attorney general. It kind of goes without saying that you ought to know something about the law."

"I know lots about the law. I watched every episode of 'L.A. Law' and 'Ally McBeal.'"

"What about 'Boston Public'?"

"I kinda got tired of David Kelley's shtick, to be honest."

"I'm with you. But seriously, why do you think you're qualified for the job?"

"'Cause you do."

"Excuse me?"

"You're interviewing me. I sent in the application on a lark. I saw the notice in the full-time positions section of the classifieds. You know, the one that said 'Attorney General of the United States. Must be willing to suck up to the President and approve the most logic-bending policies in the interest of homeland security. Please fill out form GS-AGAPP-1 and send it (along with resume) to...'"

"Yes, yes, I wrote that."

"My guess is you haven't had too many applicants."

"We've had a lot. But you're the first one with a college degree."

"Wow. I knew two or three people in college who would have been thrilled to suck up to the Prez for a couple hundred thou a year. I can't believe they didn't apply."

"Well, they didn't. So let me ask you another question. Can you sacrifice your personal ethics for the good of the country?"

"You mean, would I be willing to be Condi Rice's boy toy even though I'm married with two kids?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of standing up and announcing that lying in defense of the greater truth is no vice. Though I think I'd like to hear the answer to your question."

"Dream on, buddy. As for your question, my morals become more flexible as more cash flows into my wallet. For two hundred grand a year, I'd be willing to fib without rolling my eyes. But you'd have to do a little slush work for a really big lie."

"The salary isn't quite two hundred thousand."

"How much not quite?"

"About fourteen thousand less not quite."

"Hey, if I'm going to prostitute myself, I'm gonna need more scratch than that. I'm sure AGs have got to throw some wild parties, and my guess is the President of Pakistan wants top shelf tequila in his margarita. Don Julio, man, none of the Montezuma crap."

"Let's set the salary question aside for the moment. If the President were to nominate you, how would you respond to the allegation that you are completely unqualified?"

"Well, I'm no lawyer, but I do have the common sense of the common man. Seems you've had lawyers up here for ages, and look where that's gotten you. A bunch of weaselly memos and video after video of the AG looking like a Jello shot that's been on the tray too long."

"I like the common sense for the common man part. I don't think we need any product placement, however."

"The guy looks like he's going to melt into a quivering mass of goo any second."

"It's not easy to stand in front of the nation and take hits for the common good. And that's what you'd have to do."

"I'm cool with that. But you've gotta do more on the scratch. I mean, Claude Allen was reduced to committing return fraud at Target. D.C. is expensive, man. I just look at a grocery store and twenty bucks gets debited from my checking account."

"I don't know that we can enhance the salary offer. This is a federal position."

"Off the books, baby! Did you know that Erlichman's safe is still in the White House? There must be hundreds of thousands of dollars in there."

"Erlichman resigned more than thirty years ago. And even if his safe were there, it would have been looted by now."

"Alright, alright, but at least you're starting to think my way."

"How could you even suggest covert payments to the Attorney General?"

"Listen, man, did you see that movie 'Indecent Proposal'?"

"Demi Moore and Robert Redford, right?"

"And my man Woody Harrelson. You got it. It's a fundamentally stupid movie. If Robert Redford--lets modernize it and say Johnny Depp--offered my wife a million bucks for one night, I'd say yes, she'd say yes and we'd be telling that story for the rest of our lives."

"You can't be serious."

"A million bucks buys off an awful lot of conscience, baby."

"You did say you were flexible."

"And how."

"So when it comes to torture..."

"When the cash flows, my flexibility grows."

"What about loyalty to the President and the nation?"

"Hey, I'm willing to suck up, but that doesn't mean I have to like the guy. To tell you the truth, I kinda despise him."

"Well, I think we can work around that. The thing is, we're kind of in a bind. The President wants a nominee ready before he shitcans AG Gonzales. So we've got to move fast. Pending a clean bill of health from the FBI, when can you start?"

"As soon as that million bucks hits my account in the Bahamas."

Jon Worley is still waiting for his payoff.