12.3.06
The cold war
by Matt Worley

It got cold this week. Before now, it was mostly pleasant fall days and nights. A little chilly at times, but not downright cold. It's cold now. And there was a little bit of snow. Not enough snow to open the ski areas, but enough to remember what snow looks like.

The one thing that seems to happen when it gets cold is this: you don't want to go outside. Which sometimes leads to not leaving the house for anything unless it's very important. And, really, it's not that cold. Not so cold as to make a fortress of the house. But this seems quite reasonable when it's cold.

So the struggle becomes one of the mind. Benefits of going out must be pointed out to the brain, which, even in its snug casing of skull, thinks it's really cold outside. I have won and lost the battle this week. Or, should I say, I've won a few battles, but lost a few as well. I will stay the course in this fight.

I have proposed a phased redeployment of the cold to other parts of the country. Specifically, I think Texas could use our cold. And maybe parts of Arizona. This is not backing down to sectarian wishes, no, this is sensible and to the benefit of all (who live in my general area).

But the cold doesn't really respond to these wishes or plans. It kind of does what it wants. I guess I should admit this plan is not fool proof. In fact, it may lead to folly. But we can't just stand still, shivering a bit with our hands in our pockets, and do nothing. We must fight this weather, or at least shake a defiant fist.

It's easy to blame the Democrats for this cold. Ever since they got into office, it's been getting colder by the day. And they don't seem to want to do anything about it.

Of course, I'm sure they would say it's getting colder because the President is not willing to consider their grand plans for the cold. Of course, their plan is to just wait until Spring, when the weather will naturally get warmer. This is not a plan of action, if you ask me. It will surely lead to colder days than the one we had on Thursday.

I had to hunt down some old sweaters yesterday. I knew I had some warmer clothes somewhere, and, yes, I found them! They were not phantoms--no, they were just in the back of my closet. If you look hard enough for things, you'll find them. Unless they don't exist. And then you're just waiting for dementia to set in. Which, at my age, will probably take longer than the season to change.

Layers is my plan. I will wear a t-shirt, then a warmer, longer sleeved sweater or sweat shirt over the initial shirt. Sometimes I might wear a long sleeved (but not thick) shirt underneath the thicker clothing. This will help. This will set up a defensive shield against the encroaching frigidness.

I have a feeling the energy bill for December will be bigger than it was last month. I have noticed the heater comes on, which means gas is being used. And our electric heater, it helps, too. Electricity is less expensive than gas, but I think everything will be more than before. Yes, the costs of this war keep going up. We might have to push through an emergency spending bill to keep up with the continuing cold.

And blankets! Yes, blankets will definitely help in this area. Deployment of blanket bombs will be necessary in the coming weeks.

So here is my last cold dilemma: what to do about the night time when you want to breath the fresh air (outside of the comforter), but you don't want to freeze your face off. How does that work? Sometimes a balance seems easy, but then the forehead gets a little cold. Shifting occurs and the nose is covered up by areas of blankets. Sniffs and more shifting. Do you burrow? Curl up? Wear socks (this tactic sometimes works really well, and other times, it makes the feet even colder--no credible scientist has been able to explain this to me)?

However it happens, I will eventually prevail against the cold. I will not lose. I will not stay home for three months.

And, interestingly, the warmest places I go are the bars. You don't even have to wear a long-sleeved shirt in the bars. They crank the heaters like you wouldn't believe. Almost as if they know it's cold outside, and you should want to be in such a warm place. A warm place that serves alcohol.


Matt Worley is starting to adjust to the change of the season.


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