"I can't do stories like you do stories anyway. I wish they'd hurry up and stop torturing ya. I'm bored. It's boring in here."

People always say that playing a retard is the best way to get nominated for an Academy Award. Well, I got my first opportunity to do so on stage by playing Michal Katurian in The Pillowman by Martin McDonagh. Michal is the brother of horror writer Katurian Katurian, and while their parents nurtured Katurian's writing skills, they tortured Michal on a nightly basis for seven years as an experiment.

"Whatever they do to me, I don't sign anything. No matter what they do to me, I don't sign anything. Can I sign your name?"

The tale takes place in two police interrogation rooms. Katurian gets grilled by two cops, Tupolski (good cop) & Ariel (bad cop). In the first act, it is revealed that someone has been acting out a couple of Katurian's gruesome child killing stories even though only one of his stories has been published. Tupolski reasons with Katurian while Ariel tortures him.

"I know it was wrong. Really. But it was very interesting. The little boy was just like you said he'd be. I chopped his toes off, and he didn't scream at all. He just sat their looking at them. He seemed a bit surprised. I guess you would be at that age..."

Michal comes on the scene in Act II, sitting alone in a room until they throw Katurian in. The entire act is practically just the brothers. Katurian tells him the story of The Pillowman, which is about a massive man made of pillows who convinces kids to commit suicide because their lives will turn out horrible. After the tale, Michal reveals that he is the one who killed the kids:

"Butcher them? I didn't butcher them. That's a bit strong. And I wouldn't have done anything if you hadn't told me to, so don't act all innocent. Every story you tell me, something horrible happens to someone. I was just testing out how far-fetched they were, 'cause some of 'em seemed pretty far-fetched. But you know what? They ain't that far-fetched."

When Katurian discovers his retarded brother is responsible for the child killings, they argue and fight and reason and rationalize what has happened.

"Well, did I go out and murder a bunch of kids? 'Yes, I did' is the answer to that one, so I don't see how 'That isn't the truth' comes into it. Let alone the 'Statistic retarded pervert.' I mean, you're my brother and I love you, but you just spent the last twenty minutes telling me a story about a guy, his main thing in life is to get kids, at minimum, set themselves on fire, so you know. And he's the hero! And I'm not criticizing. He's a very good character. He's a very very good character. He reminds me a lot of me."

Katurian goes into a rage and slams Michal's head onto the floor. They yell and scream like brothers do, and Katurian tries to find out what Michal did to the third child who is missing. Michal refuses to say at first because he's mad. Katurian warns him of torture, but because of his tortured youth, Michal is unfazed.

"You don't know what I can take. When I was in here listening to you screaming next door, I thought this musta been how it was for you all those years. Let me tell you, it's a lot easier from this side. You only had it for an hour, and you came back whining your snotty head off. Try it for a lifetime."

Eventually, Michal says he did the third child like the story 'The Little Jesus' which is a twisted and gruesome tale in which a young girl who insists she's Jesus gets crucified on a cross. In our production, that tale is shown in a short film at the end of Act II. Katurian is thoroughly disgusted and bullies his brother more, wondering why he picked that story.

"So what? I could've picked ones that wouldn't have been so horrible? Like 'The Face Basement?' Slice off their face, keep it in a jar on top of a dummy downstairs. Or 'The Shakespeare Room?' Old Shakespeare and the little black pigmy lady in the box. Gives her a stab with a stick every time he wants a new play wrote...but you see what I mean, Kat. They're all sick. You couldn't've picked one that wouldn't've been just as sick."

For being so mean, Katurian is convinced by Michal to tell him his favorite story, The Little Green Pig. It was the first story Katurian wrote and by far his least vicious. A little green pig is proud of his different & peculiar look, but it makes the other pigs & farmers angry. They dunk the pig in 'unpaintoverable' pink paint, and the pig prays to God to change him back. During the night, a green rain fell and all the pigs are turned green except for the painted pink pig, and he gets to be different again.

Michal falls asleep during the tale, and Katurian takes the pillow and kills his brother, saving him torture and execution from the police. End of Act II and my character. Act III ties it all together, and the cops explain why they are they way they are. It also turns out Michal didn't act out the horrible Little Jesus story, but rather The Little Green Pig story. The little girl is brought on stage alive and painted green. Katurian still gets a bullet in the brain at the end, and we are left to wonder if writing is dangerous along with a lot of other questions to process.

Our production had no curtain call. We heard applause but took no bows. People have praised my unique turn at being retarded, which I played like a cross between a four year old and a stoner. It worked. Michal was the riskiest role I've played to date, but in many ways, it was also my best effort. I will finish the four-weekend run tonight and close the book on my retarded self. I'm already in rehearsals for another play, but The Pillowman experience is going to stick with me for the rest of my days. Just like the paint on the little green pig...

"Because it could never be washed off, and it could never be painted over."

Chris Jungle harmed no children while researching his role.