Just when you thought there were some absolutes in the universe, it turns out everything is subject to change. Pluto was voted out as a planet of our solar system by the International Astronomical Union, and no one battles the decisions of the mighty Earth-based IAU. Now considered a "dwarf" planet, Pluto must do its elliptical orbit without the planetary distinction.

That was the Earth astronomers' big beef with Planet Pluto. It was a little different than everybody else. Not only is its orbit elliptical, but it's also off-kilter. It's tiny. It's far, far away, not able to defend itself from the inner asteroid planets' tabloid gossip. Let's face it, the inner four planets of Mercury, Venus, Earth & Mars can be downright snobby and cliquish. Then there's the big bad gassy balls of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus & Neptune. For them, it's all about size, and their egos are as big as their radius.

It was once said that everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten. As it turns out, they were feeding me misinformation way back then as well. It's like they took the punctuation off the end of my planetary sentence. Thanks to Walt Disney, I never had any trouble remembering that the final planet in our solar system was Pluto.

Anyone who remembers their Roman gods (and I know you do), Pluto was King of the Underworld. The least liked brother of Jupiter & Neptune. If this doesn't sound familiar, remember that the Roman gods were really just imitations of the Greek gods of Zeus, Poseidon & Hades. Just like planets, the status of gods are subject to change.

What's the point of learning, I ask you. Next thing they'll say is that pterodactyls aren't dinosaurs because they could fly. They were a little different than the other reptiles of the time, and the way they got around was through the air and not the ground. The mighty Grammar Police could eliminate a letter at any time. The sometimes Y has been getting some nasty looks lately even though I just used it a couple times in this sentence. In math, they have imaginary numbers, which I never could quite fathom, but no one is questioning their validity. That's right. Valid & imaginary.

I just don't get it. What is wrong with having a little planet that's a little different. Do we always have to conform precisely to a rule or regiment? So what if Pluto is not as big as the other gassy planets? In our super-sized nation, we should embrace a svelte planet. Alan Iverson is a tiny six feet tall, and he was MVP of the NBA. Let's celebrate our small wonders of the solar system!

Maybe what really bothers me about this fiasco is the new classification of Pluto. It's called a dwarf planet. I don't know about you, but no one likes to have the word dwarf added to their title. I'm not a full time cab driver. I'm a dwarf hack. He's a dwarf lawyer. I didn't vote for our dwarf president. And so forth. It's just demeaning. If you don't want Pluto to be a planet, call it something else entirely. All these astronomers can get together to vote out a planet, but they can't come up with a dignified name for the outcast.

And another thing, aren't astronomers geeky outcasts anyway? Have a little compassion for the planet you most resemble! You guys are pretty tiny, off-kilter folks yourselves. How about we start calling you dwarf citizens?

At the end of the day, I know I have no control over the classification of these planets. What I do know is that learning the names & order of the planets was one of the magical and pleasurable accomplishments of my youth. Sure enough, I have lived long enough to have my fellow man screw with that as well. Just keep living, and all your childhood dreams will go down the drain, too.

I'm still going to call Pluto a planet. Screw you, astronomers. It's what I was taught when I was a kid, and I don't have to take any standardized tests any more. I'll let you call them what you want, but I'll always know that Pluto is a planet to me.

Just stay away from the pterodactyls. Planets are just a minor childhood memory, but if you start messing with my dinosaurs, you're going to have an ugly fight on your hands.

Chris Jungle has been demoted to dwarf columnist.