The report is in. In October, the United States should have 300 million people within its borders, and no one wants to celebrate. In 1967, there was a big to-do (I'm told) about the 200 million mark. Almost forty years later, people are bemoaning illegal immigrants and complaining about traffic jams. Now that we have peaked at 300 million people, I say let's start going the other way. Let's start knocking off Americans right and left. Population control isn't as hard as it seems.

First off, let's have the euthanasia parachute for people over 65. Once you reach 65, you can call it a life at any time. As a cab driver, I drive many an old person to and from hospitals. They invariably tell me the same thing: Never Get Old. All right, if you're over 65 and hating it, we can take of you in a jiffy. Off you go, thanks for the memories, you booming babies. Side bonuses of this concept is that it saves Social Security and opens up Florida to the young & sexy.

Getting rid of cranky old people is just the beginning. Let's go after the young idiots as well. If you can't handle high school, you will be drafted into military service. Can't deal with science and history, we'll throw you in one of the foreign countries we are occupying and use you to sweep mine fields. Get some real life experience without all the burden of tests. No experience necessary. Boys & girls welcome. And let's stop saving all these limbless veterans. Soldiers are like racehorses. Powerful, impressive beasts when they are active & healthy, but if the legs or arms are gone, it's time to put them down and give their family a fancy pin.

Illegal Immigrants, I haven't forgotten about you. So you like to cross the borders. You want a better life for your children. You want the American Dream. But are you willing to die for it...Gladiator style? We keep rounding up all these illegal aliens and shipping them back to the borders. Let's stop the merry-go-round. Let's get some entertainment value out of the issue. All captured illegal immigrants must enter basic gladiator training and perform to the death before a live studio audience. Remember Spartacus? It would be a lot like the beginning of that movie. It may seem cruel, but the best immigrants will always rise to the occasion. We only want the most talented immigrants anyway. There's no doubt that winners will have a few fans on their side to boot. America is always looking for a new sport.

And what about those die hard sports fans? Are you really a die hard fan? Are you willing to risk it all for the big game? Americans should be able to have one-on-one wagers with other Americans for everything. The winner gets an agreed on amount of possessions from the loser, who of course, will be put out of his misery for backing such a loser team. It may sound like a small percentage of deaths, but remember, every death helps. We'll be back to a comfortable 250 million people in no time.

Let's get serious about some stiff penalties for law breakers. Fifty speeding tickets, death. Five DWIs, death. Three assault & batteries, death. Two child molestations, death. One murder, death. One stock market scandal, death. And so on. No one gets thrown in jail. You just have a tally sheet, and when you've been caught breaking the law enough times, The Extermination Squad stops by and puts one in your head and two in the chest, execution style. Just pray they don't have a glitch in the system.

Abortions need to not only be legal but encouraged. We need to really start questioning how much a couple is willing to commit to a newborn child. Every couple should go through an intense screening process to decide whether they would actually be decent parents. If they fail the test, the glimmer in their eye must go. We need to start weeding out these unwanted kids before they start having unwanted kids of their own. It's a viscous cycle that we can eliminate. Some people say every life is sacred, but really, it's the other way around. Every death is sacred, and death is a lot more helpful to the larger scheme of things. Make some room for the future, I say.

I remember there was once a writer who modestly proposed that all of the Irish babies should be cooked and served to the rich in the name of population control. But that's going a little too far, don't you think? Who would ever suggest eating babies? It might be tasty, but that's inhuman, not to mention immoral.

At least until we reach 400 million people in America.

Chris Jungle promises not to overstay his welcome.