I'm going to come out and say it in the plainest metaphor I can fathom:

We are fucking Iraq. We fucked Iraq in 1991, and it was quick and hard. We left her without leaving our phone number. It was very satisfying for us. We popped our war nut and came home to tell our friends the story. Sure, we exaggerated a little, but hey, all's fair in love & war.

Eleven years later, we just couldn't keep our cock in our pocket. It wasn't enough to fire a few missiles at our old conquest. That bitch, Iraq, just kept mouthing off. We fucked her good and hard, and yet she just had to keep saying what a lousy lay we were. Really though, we just loved her juices. She had so much black juice that it made us jealous. Once you black, you never go back.

So we got the itch again. We told ourselves we were doing it for the right reasons. This bitch is dangerous. This bitch beats up her friends. If we don't bitch slap this bitch, the bitch just might bitch slap us. We started to imagine all the different ways we could be bitch slapped. We started to fear the thought of being bitch slapped. We slapped that bitch every few months with missiles, but we realized it wasn't enough to just slap her. We were going to have to fuck that bitch again.

We thought a good hard fuck would keep her in line. It would calm her down, and she would greet us with open loving arms after fucking the shit out of her. She did not. Turns out that bitch is a Serious Motherfucker. Now, we're playing Taming of the Shrew with one serious motherfucker. Now, we've made...oh my god, we've made that bitch our girlfriend. That BITCH, Iraq, is now our girlfriend.

Only one problem with our new girlfriend. She doesn't speak English. She's a Muslim. And she doesn't really want to embrace our western ways. Worst of all, she doesn't give us any Black Juice. She would rather burn her juice than give it to us. We keep fucking her every now and again, but it's really not fun anymore.

We've ravaged her body every way we can think of, and to be honest, it's gotten boring. She still doesn't listen. She still doesn't speak English. She bites and pinches when we're not looking. We keep spending money on her, but nothing satisfies her. She's still a bitch, but we can't call her that anymore. Iraq is our girlfriend, and we have to act like we love her. We are starting to feel impotent. We just can't get it up anymore for Iraq. This is a dead end relationship. What are we going to do?

Hey, who's that girl next door? Iran? Ohhhhh, she looks feisty. Oh yeah, she looks even dirtier than my girlfriend. What's that? She has nuclear power? She's not supposed to have that. That's nasty. That's downright filthy. What's that? She says nuclear power helps to keep her looking young. Oh, that lying bitch. Who does she think she's kidding with that ass-wagging? We're not falling for that line. We know what she's doing. We know she's up to no good. Nasty, dirty, cute, little baby. You want Daddy to come over and teach you a lesson. Is that what you want? Say it. That's right. Say it. Say you want Daddy to come over and teach you a lesson. You tease! You cunt! You bitch! We're right next door, and we know what you want. You want a good hard fuck from Daddy? We bet that's what you want. Here comes Daddy, heeeeerrrrrreeeeeee cooooooommmmmeeeessssss Daaaaaaaaaadddy!

What's that, honey? No, We're not looking at Iran. We're looking at you, Iraq. Of course, We love you, Iraq. Huh? No, baby, Iran means nothing to Us. It's you. We think you're doing great. We know it's hard to embrace democracy. Don't cry, Iraq. Please, just don't cry. We know we haven't given you proper attention lately. We know we promised you economic development. We know we promised you Peace. These things take time, sweetie. No, we don't want to break up. How can you even say that? After all we've been through. What? Oh come on, Iraq, not now. We can't right now. We're under a lot of stress. We have a headache. We've had a rough day. Yes. Soon. We promise to set aside some time for some Real Love. We know it's been a while. Who loves you, Iraq? Hmmmm, who's your Daddy? That's right. We're your Daddy. So just leave us alone by the window for a little while, okay? We've got some thinking to do. Okay? But soon, real love, real soon, okay, shut the door, okay, love you too, bye-bye...

That's right, Iran, you bitch. Keep talking that trash. Guess who can get it up again? Guess who wants to stick it in you? That's right, bitch. We're ready. We're ready to come over. We're ready to come all over again...

Chris Jungle has never cheated on a girlfriend.