It took me a long time to get where I'm at. You aren't just born into my position. There are many battles to fight, many underhanded deals to make, many screens to smoke, and many citizens to disenfranchise. Once I finally made it to my position, I noticed a lot of people still disrespecting me, but you must respect my authority! What I do is my business. Don't tell me about laws or misconceptions. In fact, don't tell me about anything. I am King of the Jungle!

If it makes you feel better, I can assure you what I do is for your own protection. That four year old had a very legitimate reason for not being on the no-fly list. If you had seen the pictures he was drawing of planes burning and crashing, you would agree he was a threat to the national security. It only takes one little four year old boy to tear down the sanctity of our great Jungle.

The nay-sayers keep saying nay, but I tell you, it's all necessary. Nay-sayers are just traitors anyway. They say "get court orders before we wire tap the citizens," but don't you see? That's just what the terrorists want us to do. They want us to follow the laws of the land and slow up our surveillance. We are going after people we don't even know. We don't know anything about them. We don't know if they're good or bad. We do know that they are not with us, and it's hard to find out who is a terrorist when 60 percent of the Jungle doesn't approve of me. Maybe I don't always follow the letter of the law, but let's remember who's really in charge here.

You wouldn't ask King Kong to follow the FISA rules, would you? No, of course you wouldn't. So why pester me? I'm King of the Jungle, and it's good to be the King.

Want another metaphor? I'm Judge Dread, and I AM ABOVE THE LAW! You talk to me about torture and illegal wiretapping, and I will tell you I don't have to follow your rules. I was King before you made up these new torture laws, so I get a grandfather clause which allows me to ignore any new law you come up with. How do you like that? I just made that up! And because I said it, that makes it so. The rules you're making are for those who are not at war, and we are AT WAR. So there. I should know. I started the war we're currently enduring. You can call it a war of choice if you want, but always remember, it was MY choice. And they say I'm not pro-choice.

Don't you understand that I'm doing all these illegal things to help The Jungle. It may be illegal for regular people to do what I do, but those people don't have the responsibility that I have. Breaking the law of the land is practically in my job description.

AND WHO TOLD ON ME ANYWAY?!? That's what I'm talking about, people. If someone can leak information out of My House, then doesn't that just reinforce the reasons I have to go after my enemies as quickly as possible? My enemies are all around me! You talk about secret prisons and prisoners without lawyers, but come on. I mean really, come on! We've already captured them. They're already out of sight, out of mind. Do you think I really spend two seconds thinking about the welfare of criminals we've captured from around the world. I have a Jungle to protect, and it's all for the good of the Jungle.

I'm going into my sixth year of being King, and I think you need to start getting with the program. I've sent you every warning I can possibly think of, and the message is this: DON'T INTERFERE. There are very secret and important things I'm trying to accomplish, and if you get in my way, I will have no choice but to claim you an Enemy of the Jungle. I will wiretap your phones without telling anyone. I will call you a terrorist, capture you, and put you in a cell far away from anyone you know. I will torture you. I will deny you a lawyer or contact with anyone. I won't even have to tell anyone that I even know you. You will disappear. I have done this to many people already, and adding one more will not cause me to lose any sleep.

So let's stop all this banter about whether what I've done is legal or illegal. It's all semantics. I did what I did without remorse. I'll continue to spy on you, because let's face it, I don't like you. I know you don't like me. The only difference is that I'm King and you're not. Believe me, it's a big difference.

I'm sorry it has to be this way, but that's the Jungle we live in these days. You're either with me or against me. So make up you're mind and deal with the consequences. Hey, is that your phone ringing? Don't you think you should answer it? It might be important. The person on the line might have a very serious question to ask you. I think you should answer the phone. I think you should do exactly what they tell you to do.

Are you going to listen to your King?

Chris Jungle is under surveillance, but hey, you could be as well.