"Good evening, this is Kirsti Karla with an election night news flash. Riots have broken out across the nation in reaction to the Democratic victory in the midterm elections. We first go to Wade Bilious in Berkeley, California."

"Thank you, Kirsti. College students and city residents have taken to the streets and are destroying every chain retail establishment they can find. They started with a Starbucks at the edge of campus, moved on to another Starbucks a block away and have been fanning out from there."

"My god. These pictures look worse than South Central after that Rodney King thingie. What are the, um, rioters using?"

"Well, Kirsti, the first rioters used coffee carafes from that first Starbucks to break into other stores. Then someone showed up with a vat of biodisel and tried to set a store on fire."

"My god, Wade. That stuff packs a punch."

"Actually, Kirsti, you can't light biodiesel with a match. So that second Starbucks smells like three-day-old Chinese food, but it didn't burn."

"How ghastly! How did they start all those fires?"

"Tennis shoes doused in gasoline, Kirsti. They're calling them Nike cocktails."

"Oh, I don't want to drink one of those."

"Me either, Kirsti."

"Thank you, Wade. Now we go to Randi Gunderson in Durham, North Carolina. What's happening there, Randi?"

"Well, Kirsti, Duke University students are roaming the streets with lacrosse sticks and attacking every police car they can find."

"They're what?"

"Roving gangs with up to one hundred students in each are beating on police cars and dragging the officers out for further pummeling."

"My God."

"This seems to be related more to a local, rather than a national, issue. District Attorney Mike Nifong won re-election tonight, and his prosecution of the lacrosse players has riled some people on campus. The police believe that's why the rioters are carrying lacrosse sticks. But the police say the students probably aren't particularly moved by the election itself. The lack of a basketball title the last couple years has left the student population jonesing for a reason to riot, and I guess they figured tonight was the night."

"I wouldn't want to get whacked by a lacrosse stick."

"Me either, Kirsti."

"Alrighty, then, Randi. Our last report this evening is from Jimmy Rodgers in Takoma Park, Maryland. Jimmy?"

"I wouldn't call this a riot, Kirsti, but it is kinda weird. About a thousand people have jammed the little downtown of this suburb that sits on the northeastern edge of Washington, D.C."

"I see fire, Jimmy. Are they burning the chain stores like in Berkeley?"

"No chain stores here to burn, Kirsti. What these people have done is make a bonfire out of Java-Logs and they're standing around slowly getting drunk or stoned. Every time another democratic win is called on NPR, you can hear glasses clinking above the muted roar of the crowd."

"Are they drinking wine or beer?"

"Wine, beer, scotch, you name it. Judging by bottlecaps, the most popular beer appears to be something with a shark in its logo. As for the harder stuff, I've seen a few bottles of the Glenlivet lying around--not to mention more than one Mason jar being passed around as well."

"Excuse me?"

"Moonshine, Kirsti. Apparently some of the locals do a bit of stilling now and again.

"That's illegal! And you said you can smell marijuana being smoked in public? Where are the police, Jimmy?"

"To quote Killdozer, Kirsti, the pigs are cool."

"I see. And Java-Logs? What are those?"

"Well, Kirsti, they're made of old coffee grounds processed with candle wax. You use it like any other fireplace log. Supposed to be more environmentally-friendly or something."

"So downtown Takoma Park smells like..."

"Coffee and cannabis, Kirsti, two smells that might well define the incoming Democratic Congress."

"I see, Jimmy. Your sources haven't been, um, sharing with you, have they?"

"Just a contact high, baby. Peace out!"

"And that's all we have for now. This is Kirsti Karla saying good night."

Jon Worley enjoyed the election results from the privacy of his own beer hall Tuesday night.