"Hi, this is Congressman Bob Manly. Am I speaking to Mrs. Badgett?

"Ms. Badgett. My mistake. Well, as I said, this is Congressman Bob Manly, and I'm calling to ask for your support in the upcoming election.

"Well, now, I like to think of myself as my own man, so to speak, independent of any party bias--

"Yes, I am a Republican.

"No, I'm afraid the President and I differ on many issues. He's--

"Yes, I voted for all the Iraq appropriations.

"Yes, I voted for No Child Left Behind.

"Yes, I voted for all the President's budgets.

"Yes, I voted for the Constitutional Amendment banning flag burning.

"Well, no, I think of any particular vote that opposed the President, per se, but I can tell you that I am an independent thinker and that if I am re-elected I will work hard to bring accountability to government.

"Well, now, I guess the first thing might be to hold a few hearings on--

"Now, my dear Ms. Badgett, please allow me to answer--

"I'm not trying to avoid the question. I just want--

"Yes, I suppose it is true that Congress hasn't done much to hold the President to account. But that's going to change. I promise.

"My promise does mean something, Ms. Badgett.

"Just because I've never cast a meaningful vote against the President's wishes doesn't mean that I can't examine his policies thoroughly and make sure the people's needs are met by those of us in Washington.

"Yes, I can, Ms. Badgett. Allow me to say that I have seen the errors of my ways, and that in the future--

"Again, Ms. Badgett, I must ask you to allow me to answer the question. I understand that you might well be suspicious of 'election time promises,' as you call them--

"As I was saying, we all made a mistake in trusting the President. The people who voted for him, and those of us in Congress who voted for his bills. The President can't admit to mistakes, but I sure can.

"Did the people who voted for me make a mistake? I sure hope not. I think I've done everything I could to properly represent the citizens of my district.

"I wouldn't categorize my performance as 'piss-poor.' That seems--

"Misguided, perhaps, but not--

"Ma'am, I must say it seems most unlikely that you will be voting for me this fall. I appreciate the time we've had to chat. Might your husband be home this evening?

"I suppose I walked right into that. The 'Ms.' was probably a dead giveaway.

"Now, now, I'm not saying that all women who use 'Ms.' are lesbians. It's just that in my experience married women are more likely to use 'Mrs.' and lesbians are more likely to be militant about using 'Ms.'

"I'm sure you'd be happy to use 'Mrs.' if you could get married.

"Well, Ms. Badgett, thank you again for your time. If I may speak candidly, your wish will likely be granted. I'm down fifteen points in the polls and if one more Republican comes out of the closet, we might as well all go home and shoot ourselves.

"That's not gay bashing! It's a joke! I'd never shoot myself!

"Ms. Badgett, please stop screaming.

"Ms. Badgett, it's time for me to call one of your neighbors. Have a good night.

"No, really, I mean that. I may be a Republican, but hey, your personal life is your personal life. You want to be a rug muncher, that's fine by me.

"Now Mrs. Badgett--

"Ms. Badgett--

"Jesus fucking Christ lady, get off my ass! You don't like me? Don't vote for me. I don't care. I've already got a cozy lobbying gig lined up on K Street. Come January, I'll be making five times what I made in Congress. Fuck you, fuck your dyke buddy and fuck everyone else back home in the district. If I never set foot there again, I'll be a happy man.

"No, of course I didn't mean all that. I don't want to fuck dykes.

"Good night, Ms. Badgett. And may God bless you.

"Oh, of course. You're a wiccan. How could I have missed that?"

Jon Worley won't be voting Republican this fall.