9.10.06
No, wait, it was...
by Jon Worley
The bipartisan Senate committee looking into intelligence failures leading up to the Iraq War released two parts of its report Friday afternoon. One exciorated the CIA for massive screwups in the area of weapons of mass destruction.
Well, duh. Glad to see someone go out on a limb.
The other part said that neither the CIA nor the NSA believed there was any connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. While hardly an earth-shattering conclusion (after all, bin Laden was a sworn enemy of Saddam even before he turned his sights on the U.S.), this report shows that the Prez, the creepy Veep and plenty others lied when they said they had "solid" evidence of al-Qaeda members operating in Iraq with the cooperation of the Baathist regime. They wanted another reason for the war, so they made it up.
With yet another lame excuse for the Iraq War officially laid to rest on Friday, I'm wondering what the next rationale will be. We're due to hear few more reasons, ones that will take a year or (preferably) two to get disproved. In the interest of national unity, I'd like to offer a few to the Prez.
One of Osama bin Laden's wives is a former Miss Tikrit. I like this one the best, because not only is it ludicrous, it's almost impossible to confirm in any way, shape or form. Added bonus: It doesn't make any sense, either.
Russia was about to invade, so we decided to get in there first. This, too, is patently ludicrous, but it does make some sense. Plenty of people still foster cold war animosity toward Russia, especially since Vladimir Putin has been busy returning Russia to its former status as a totalitarian paradise.
Iraq was a leading producer of bootleg DVDs. Ah, yes, the business rationale. Again, completely ludicrous (especially since we haven't rattled one saber toward China, the hands-down world leader in the trafficking of stolen "intellectual property"), but amusing. Call it the Gone With the Wind War, or perhaps the Casablanca Conflict.
If the price of oil went high enough, pumping would resume in west Texas. The personal rationale. A bit obscure, but in point of fact it is very expensive to squirt black gold from the plains of Texas--but you can still make scads of money at a price of $70 a barrel.
Gotta do one better than my Dad. The psychological rationale. This one has been bandied about for ages, so long that acknowledging it wouldn't hurt much. I mean, how much flak did he catch for (at long last) copping to secret CIA prisons where we torture detainees? This one has some serious legs from a practical perspective.
Jerry Falwell wants to open a "Garden of Eden" theme park just outside Baghdad. Alright, alright, so this one's a complete joke. And not a funny one. But if you thought the French were pissed off about EuroDisney...
Because the French didn't like the idea. The Prez as contrarian. He likes this role, often setting up straw men so that he can stride into town and defy "conventional" sentiment. It would portray him as petulant and a bit immature, but hey, is that any different than the way things are now?
Condi Rice promised to give him the "mile high" treatment on Air Force One if only he would do something manly. Regular readers of the Globe in the grocery story checkout line know that Laura Bush has been threatening to divorce the Prez because of certain dalliances with the Divine Miss C. Let's see...he could get divorced, marry Rice and then when Condi and Hillary face off in 2008, we could see the previous two presidents competing to become the first First Hubby. Completely insane, but highly appealing for that very reason.
Those space aliens who control the world told me to do it. The Weekly World News rationale. Got to represent all them tabloids.
Every great president has fought a major war. And hey, didn't Lincoln start one? Perfecto!
Karl Rove said it would get me re-elected. There are lots of problems with this last one. After all, it's hardly ludicrous. A bit unfathomable, I suppose. Sure worked, though, didn't it?
Jon Worley is a fine bullshitter, but he's terrible at making excuses.
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