Fool me once--shame on you.
Fool me twice--shame on me.
Fool me three times--you must think I'm a muthafuckin' moron!
--ancient Chinese proverb, with post-modern revision

"Rover, baby?"

"Yes, sir?"

"What's Rummy doin' these days?"

"He's out in the sticks, fanning the flames."

"Oh, that's right. He's good at that."

"Yes, sir."

"So're things all set for the election?"

"They're set, but it won't be a good night for us."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Sir, I'm telling you this now: We've got to fight tooth and nail to keep control of Congress."

"How?"

"By letting all the people in tough races take your money and then denounce you in speeches."

"That's not nice."

"Politics ain't nice, sir."

"You know, when I came to Washington, I said I was a unificator, not a divider."

"That you did."

"How'd that work out?"

"Better than anyone gives you credit, sir."

"Really? How come no one says that in the papers?"

"Well, sir, two-thirds of the nation thinks you're doing a terrible job. I'd call that a mandate."

"Rover."

"Yes, sir."

"You're not making fun of me, are you?"

"Not at all, sir. It's just that sometimes the silver lining in the cloud is a bit tarnished."

"Uniting people in their dislike for me is hardly being a unificator, don't you think?"

"You say tomato..."

"I say tomato."

"Sir, you've made some tough stands. You've stood with your friends and pushed through more tax cuts. You've made it more difficult for poor people to declare bankruptcy. You've made it possible for the government to listen in on just about any conversation it wants. You're fighting a war on terror--"

"Durn straight I am! Why cain't people stand with me on that? I mean, why are so many people on the side of the terrorists?"

"I don't think they believe they are, sir."

"But they're wrong."

"I know, sir. The problem is that most of the country believes the war in Iraq was a mistake and that it has nothing to do with fighting terrorists."

"But all the terrorists are in Iraq now."

"Except for the ones in Iran. And Indonesia. And Lebanon. And Qatar. And Spain. And England. And Chicago..."

"Of course. But the idea was to go to where the most terrorists were and exterminate them there. But they didn't stand and fight like men. They disappeared and then started sniping and car bombing. It's really hard to win a war against people who won't stand still when you shoot at them. Why can't the Iraqis fight like the Founding Fathers did?"

"Um..."

"You guys told me that if we got rid of Saddam and fixed Iraq that the whole Middle East would clean itself up."

"You never know how things are going to turn out, sir."

"Well, that's true. But that message isn't really getting out, is it?"

"The long-term picture is always the most difficult one to sell. When even Fox News is talking about a civil war in Iraq, the short term tends to cloud any sort of long view."

"What?"

"Don't worry about it. Here's the game plan: The fifth anniversary of nine-eleven is coming up, and you're going to be the war president all over again. Rummy is just getting the base started. You're going to be feeding the people lots of red meat, denouncing traitors and appeasers and just plain fuzzy-headed idiots. You're right, they're wrong and the people will simply have to decide whom they trust more."

"Whom? Is that right?"

"Yeah, 'whom.' As in 'They trust whom.' Got to be 'whom.'"

"I never figured that whole who/whom thing out."

"Well, sir, with all due respect, Yale isn't that vigorous an academic institution."

"Heh-heh. Good one, Rover. One question, though. When I'm asking telling the people that those against me are wrong and that I'm right, am I being a unificator or a divider?"

"Sir, would you rather be right or president?"

"Heh-heh. Rover, you ought to do stand-up. Make sure you get a couple of those jokes in my next speech."

"Sure thing, sir. Anything else?"

"Yeah. There isn't really a civil war in Iraq right now, is there?"

"Of course not. There are just three populations in conflict."

"Glad to hear it. I knew I was right."

Jon Worley is rarely right, but he still doesn't want to be president.