A few weeks ago, my roommate and I decided to upgrade our decrepit computer system. My computer was twelve years old, his was nine. This meant not only new computers, but a new Internet hookup as well. Everything had to be new because the old ways just weren't working anymore.

And Friday was the culmination of the grand upgrade. Super fast cable Internet. Which meant waiting for the cable guy to show up. I knew there might be a problem because my system is a little different than almost everyone else's: we have Macs. I tried to cover all the bases and ask all the right questions, but apparently I missed something somewhere along the way.

"Does our system work with Macs?" the cable guy asked the voice on the other end of his CB/phone thing, while crouching down, looking at the cable wire growing out of the floor in our computer room.

"Negative," was the reply. I explained I had talked to the people on the phone, and I'd asked about this.

"Those guys don't know what they're talking about. They're on a clock. They're just trying to sell a system because they get commission. They don't ask the right questions. And Bill Gates! Someone is getting kickbacks." He went on about this for a while. Apparently the cable installers and sales people don't like each other very much.

"I just want to make this work," I said. He told me I'd need to get an Airport for Macs, and I'd have to install it. Comcast has no home networking system for Macs. I mentioned the number of people with Macs was pretty low, maybe 10% of the market. "Well, 10% of 25 million people is still a lot of people," he pointed out. I agreed and listened to his further explanations of how the whole system is fucked.

As he said these things, he activated all the cable lines in my house. He did this and said he wouldn't tell headquarters about this half hour of extra work...he'd just bitch them out for selling a system I couldn't use. I think he was looking forward to this.

When this was done, I set out for work. On the way, I stopped by CompUSA to get the equipment I needed. After explaining what the cable guy told me, the sales guy at CompUSA said this:

"That guy doesn't know what he's talking about. You need an Airport AND a modem--he should've installed the modem." But this was no problem, because they had a modem and a promotion which would rebate almost the entire cost of the modem: all I had to do was sign up for Comcast Internet Cable. In football, they call this a double reverse. A trick play, you might say.

Satisfied I had everything I needed, I continued on to work. I only had a couple of things to do, so my time at work was short. I went back home a few hours later to try and get my super fast Internet working before the end of the day.

I inserted all the cables and flipped all the switches. The lights lit up. My computer was happy: it could sense the power of the Internet. But the only page coming up was a Comcast home page. It was supposed to redirect me to download software, but my browser couldn't read the redirect page: it was only for Windows machines. My Mac is not a Windows machine.

I sighed and picked up my phone. No dial tone. I checked all the wires, everything was hooked up right, but no dial tone. Now I had to call MCI AND Comcast. And I had no phone.

My friend who lives across the street was shaving when I knocked on the door. He had a gig in a few hours, but gave me access to his phone lines (both a land line and a cell phone). After way too long on hold, I sternly told the MCI person my phone was out, and it was a pain in my ass. Then I took the cell phone and went back to my house.

The guy at Comcast got me around the block on my Internet and all of the virtual world was suddenly at my fingertips. But he had one thing to say at the end:

"That guy at CompUSA doesn't know what he talking about. He needs to connect your service to your screen name. You'll have to call them back or your connection may go down again."

"That guy at Comcast doesn't know what he's talking about. We have nothing to do with billing, we just sign you up," said the guy at CompUSA.

The billing guy at Comcast, possibly the most upbeat person I talked to all day, had this to say: "That guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Everything is fine."

And, suddenly, at five in the afternoon, my quest was done. I was speeding along the information super highway...even though no one calls it that anymore. Of course, my phone was still out, but who needs a phone when you've got super duper Internet?

Matt Worley watched Green Day's new video for "When September Ends" as his first act on the new super Internet. It took a second to download.